Whereupon My Brain Rotted and Died: New Moon is the Devil
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When Carly sent me an IM at work that read something like, "Will you please go see New Moon with me? Please? PLEASE? PPPPPLLEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEE?????????????????" I thought maybe she wanted someone to go see this new atrocity "film" with her. And though my heart and brain protested, "Really? Are you sure? We're pretty certain we will either cease to function or just become stupid if you make us go," I thought it could be a good opportunity to a) help a friend out and b) gather some awesome, snarky fodder for the ole blog.
And boy, was I right.
First, there are two things I need to get out of the way before the snarkfest begins:
1. The movie itself is not terrible as a movie. I mean, it's pretty bad, but there are actually times when it's beautifully shot and the dialogue borders on witty (I'm assuming this is due to some screenwriter realizing that Stephanie Meyers basically wrote 3,000 pages worth of Hallmark card). I didn't hate the movie as a whole, though there were most definitely parts that made me vomit a little in my mouth.
2. Taylor Lautner needs to turn 18 so I can feel way less creepy about calling him a "hot piece of man-boy with candy nipples." Just sayin'.
ANYWAY, back to the matter at hand.
I was in a theatre with one hundred other women who were far younger or far older than I, with one of them--my dear friend Carly--nearly wetting herself to see scenes filled with a fifty-foot tall Robert Pattinson. (I had already told her that the one rule was that she was not allowed to touch me, for I could not be sure of her intentions when that man was on the screen.) After she popped a few Xanax and laid her purse carefully on her lap (presumably to cover up her lady boner) she settled down and at least made less noise than the fifty year old woman with the mullet next to me.
SO MUCH UNNECESSARY GIGGLING. Folks, I'm concerned about the state of our country's sense of humor. America, here's a quick lesson: Funny=cheerleaders falling. Not funny=weakly written parental jokes about being "grounded forever." Seriously, these ladies and the occasionally emasculated boyfriend thought that everything in this movie was hilarious. I assure you, save for the rare clever turn or phrase or well-timed look, this movie was NOT funny.
And then, thirty seconds into the movie, it happened. The vampire and The Mumbler make-out, and shortly thereafter, the vampire looks broody and jealous when the super hot man-boy with the Brett Michael's wig shows up with a birthday present. Oh, and shortly after that, this line:
"Bella, you give me everything just by breathing."
Really? I'm sorry, but I guess I'd rather have a new pair of shoes or jacket than someone's stanky Taco Bell breath (A-HEM, THE BOYFRIEND).
In all seriousness, though, that's kind of the one thing I despise about the whole Twilight "saga" (what a horrid word to use for this trash)...that two eighteen year old kids have decided that they would rather die than live without each other. Here's a few other sad lines:
"Is this about my soul? If it is, then I don't care! Take it, it's yours." (VOMIT)
"He's decided he'd rather die than live without you." (BAAARRRFF)
"That dumb bitch." (<---Ok, that was me. I said it after the 15th time that The Mumbler courted danger so she could hallucinate about her blood-sucking boyfriend.)
I could continue waxing snark about the terrible messages this story sends...that fierce jealousy is okay in a relationship, that snooping through someone's room while she's not there is totally cool because you're a vampire and can get in there easily, that death is a far sweeter reward than being alone...but I won't, because this person said it much better. (Read the whole Anti-Twilight installment here.)
I need to go rest now. My brain has gone numb.
What do you think of the Twilight series?
Reader Comments (11)
Refuse to have anything to do with it.
Wont read about the movie reviews, will not read the series til all the hype has worn down (could take years)
There was a TV show called Moonlight with adult vampires, it ran only one season, but man was everyone good looking, and yes I might have been quilty of watching it just for the pretty men. (same with Supernatural - who needs sound?)
I read the books, and as I was reading them I was horrified by the relationship and the god awful writing. I remember as I was reading them I kept asking myself why I kept reading because I truly felt like the writing was just sad, but I completed the books.
Then I went to the first movie, and yes, I have seen the second.
I still don't know why, there is no logical reason for liking it, and truly I am not sure I even do like it, but there it is, my guilty secret. I'm not nuts. I didn't wait with bated breathe for the movies, but I know I will go see the third, and if they film it the fourth.
It's like a damn train wreck, and I can't look away.
i read it. that's about it. refuse and boycott the movies. i refuse to watch it. i feel you comment no.1 on supernatural .love the hot dudes.
sick of the hype it gets. the guys aren't cute to me.
LOL I love the last "movie quote."
You know, I read and enjoyed the books (even through the involuntary eye rolling), and I'm looking forward to seeing New Moon. I can't really explain why I like it either...to me it's the "it's so bad it's good" explanation I guess.
I've not had time to see it yet. Every show in my home town was sold out to the tweens standing in line for hours, and it just wasn't worth that for me.
I do hope that when I am finally able to see it, I have a few of the ridiculous gigglers in my theater so I can make really loud, snarky comments about restraining orders and adolesecent fantasies as a grown woman.
Oh, and thanks for the links back. :)
Gawd!
Make it stop! It's like a show designed especially for emo teenagers.
I refuse to read the books. I mean I don't have a lot of time for reading already, so I'm not going to spend the little amount I have on this abomination.
I did see the first movie, though, just to see what the fuss was about. I stopped 40 minutes before the end because my brain was saying "Really? You have nothing better to do?"
So yeah, no Twilight for me.
@ Alexandra: I'm pretty sure you've probably guessed I read the books, saw the first film, and am going to watch the second next week, in IMAX no less (I've no one to blame for it but myself, I was the one who suggested the first movie, because the trailer had deceived me with its beautiful scenery, Red). BUT, and I swear it's the truth, while I don't completely loathe it, I DO NOT love it either. What I dislike is the frenzy this Twilight thing sends tweens into, and that, coupled with today's teen magazines prompts me to start weeping for present and future generations everytime they shove this down my throat. Or blow out my eardrums with their squeals.
And I remain of the firm opinion that if you're into vampires you're much better off sticking with Anne Rice. She may not win the Nobel Prize for literature either, and there's no glitter and vampiric sex, but, boy, can the woman write despair, gloom and damnation. And last time I checked, those are pretty much the cards vampires are supposed to have been dealt.
I tried to read the first book and got about two chapters in before I just had to give up. It was PAINFUL. Not to mention there's the whole anti-feminism thing people are accusing Meyer of with Bella. I'm not too clear on the details with that, but it doesn't sound promising.
One of my friends calls the whole Team Edward vs. Team Jacob craze Team Necrophilia vs. Team Bestiality. Yikes! haha
I've gotten into True Blood though, so it's not the vampires that I dislike. I guess the Twilight popularity is similar to the Harry Potter fans, but I don't remember quite as many screaming girls.
Hi,
Ok, I know I'm not going to change your minds or anything, but here goes. I'm not a teen, but I am the kind of person who loves her parents and won;t do anything to hurt them. Who did the things that society requires for having a normal adult life, realising how that gets me further in life and how absurd things we have to do as teens are sometimes...
BUT, the way I fell in love is rare and about as rare as she manages to describe it in this book. And the one thing that I appreciated in this book (not saying its the best of literature in any case) is how she manages to give an idea about every inch of feeling you body gets in so many different occasions. THAT's why teens loved it, because it's the age of discovery and understanding yourself. And reading it just brought all those wonderful feelings back, even though the story is quite classically put. It is interesting, the combination and the plot can get you to see what happens, but it's predictable.
So, didn't stop me from reading them one volume in 2 days, but absolutely HATE the way the movies are made... the actors are baaaad, really, see HP 3 or 4 when they grew up and Twlight is worse. And I like the HP books... Well, have fun looking at Jacob's pecs, I'm not a fan at all, got my own handsome hunk ;)
I think that's a fair assessment...she definitely captures that all-consuming teenage obessesion. I dunno if it's the pheromones or hormones or whatever, but you're right, it strikes you to your toes. I guess I have less of a problem with that than with how the teens act on it, but that's just me! If it worked for you, that's awesome. :)
The books are drivel. I don't know how Stephenie Meyers managed to jam the word smoldering into every few pages -- wait, it's because her books are a smoldering pile of .... The movies have also been laughably bad. I refused to buy any of the books (checked them out from the library) since she donated to Prop 8.