Today we have an EXCELLENT guest post from the Eternal Voyager.  Seriously, folks, this is one of the most straightforward, practical approaches to maintaining space (read:  your sense of YOU) in a relationship.  And even if you're not currently in a relationship, there are great lessons in here for life (i.e., "be a cat, not a dog").  Read up, and when you're finished, take a look at her equally informative blog!

The best (and most lyrical) advice on relationships is from Kahlil Gibran:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Relationships and love are all about space. Giving space=respecting your partner; keeping your own space is respecting yourself. Maintaining your independence is one of the best ways of making your partner feel free... and to keep the love from getting stifled. If your partner wants to go off by themselves, and you let them know that not only you won't be moping around the door but you'll be off doing exciting things of your own... they'll feel free to go, and eager to return.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Be feline, not canine

Dogs follow you around, eager for your every look and word. They give you that sad-eye guilt inducing look when you leave, and they'll wait all day at the door for you to return. A cat will sleep in your lap for hours, then go off to do its own thing. You learn to treasure the moments it chooses to spend with you. Everyone loves the dog, but they respect the cats.

Guys respect the women who are not there at their every beck and call. You know the over-nice martyr girl, the one that thinks she can make her guy stay interested in her if she keeps his needs above hers?  Well she is terribly wrong, the poor thing. She'll be taken for granted, make herself boring, and murder and bury the spark with her neediness. Don't be her. Your partner fell in love for how you were. Don't change.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Space for your own life

Having "our life" doesn't mean that you have to give up your life. Just because you have met the love of your life, have moved in together or got married, you don't have to give up whatever you were doing before. Sure, there will be changes and adjustments, but always stay true to yourself through it all.
I'm not saying that you need to have your own house, your own money and a job where you spend months in the Amazon rainforests (without him). Just keep the friends, interests and activities you had before you met him. Spend time on them. (BTW if you didn't have any before, you need to get them, ASAP.)

Give space to your partner

Space in a relationship is a give-and-take thing. Often you can't really distinguish the give from the take, like when he never imposes upon your vegan lifestyle and you leave him free to eat his nonvegetarian meals. By agreeing not to encroach on each other's boundaries, you maintain the respect you have for each other.

If you want to have your freedom, you need to give your partner his or hers.

Remember how you fell in love with your partner for what they were. Allow them to be themselves, to have their alone time, and to go out with their friends (without being greeted by your displeased face when they return).

(My guy tells me how his colleague can't enjoy their occasional after-work beer without having to deal with reprimands from the wife. Marital curfew, anyone ?)

It's in the little things

Giving someone space means letting them eat their bread with jam and mayonnaise (at the same time), shave their head, or hang out with friends you don't like. It means acknowledging their right to do things their own way, as long as it's not harmful to them. They are adults, and when they listen to you they should never, ever be reminded of their Mom. (You do realise that they moved out of home just to be free of Mom's nagging, right ?)

Follow this simple rule: if it's not harmful, just keep that trap shut. And expect him to accept your green lipstick, brain-killing serials and weird hobby classes.

Space in the home

Ladies, take notice and sit up straight. Women are often guilty with taking over physical space: like the closet, the bathroom, the walls. It's called encroachment, and it's a territorial thing that is intimidating to most men.

Let a part of the bathroom counter be his, and a part yours. Keep your stuff in your space, don't put your personal stuff all over the place. Don't use his razor. Let him have a say in decorating the house. He's got a right to hang up his own posters just as much as you do. If his decorating ideas are really hideous, you can designate him a space to himself, like his den, where he can have what he wants. You don't have the right to banish his stuff to the cellar just because they don't suit your tastes.

Travelling is like masturbation

Doing it alone doesn't mean that it's not going well together. It's really good to do it alone once in a while: you know exactly what you want, how you want it; you can do it at your own pace and be completely selfish about it. I'm talking about travel, BTW (ahem, ahem).

Making space while travelling doesn't necessarily mean going off alone: you can travel together but do things separately when you feel like it. Spend afternoons or whole days on separate activities. Or agree to try the local alcohol if he comes with you to that concert. It's all about keeping a balance of what he wants with what you want.

It's all in the words

Giving someone freedom doesn't mean just physically allowing them to do it, but by keeping it guilt-free. If you let them know how terrible you feel about it, and how much you disapprove of it, but they can do it anyway... well, that's not freedom. It's putting arsenic into their cup of life.

Balancing freedom with togetherness

Never allow your pursuit of freedom to make you inconsiderate for your partner. I've seen couples grow irrevocably apart when one of them cared more about their own adventures than about the partner. You wouldn't like it if your guy asserted his independence by missing dates with you, skipping their share of housework or going to the Bahamas with an attractive female friend. So don't do the same to him.

Imagine this: you and your partner are invited to a party and are both really looking forward to going.Your partner feels slightly sick, and he can't go. What do you do ?

Scenario 1: You stay home with him. He feels bad that you couldn't go because of him. You feel exactly the same way. Everyone mopes around all evening.

Scenario 2: You go. He feels resentful that you went without him. And you feel guilty.

Which scenario would you choose ?

I'd choose Scenario 3: I'd go, but before going I'd make him hot tea, I wouldn't stay at the party till morning, and I'd bring him back some cake. Because that's what I'd dream of him doing if the roles were reversed: showing me with a few small gestures that he cares. (I'd probably still feel bad about him going off alone, but only a little, you know ?)

Inviting him along with you instead of simply going off even if you don't think he'll be interested, kisses when leaving, (occasional) messages when you are away... all these things show him that you do care. Just don't make him feel guilty for declining your invitation, and don't tell him to dress warm or remember to eat or go to bed early.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

For those guilty of over-possessiveness or dependence, I advise reading Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches as a rehab.

These are the experiences gleaned from my own not-too-long adult life. Now it's your turn to share your experiences and advise. How do you handle independence and interdependence in your relationships ?

Leave a comment, then don't forget to check out her site!