Santa...Baby?
EMAIL THIS ARTICLE When I met DubiousMa (aka "The Dube") on the Problogger forums, I knew almost immediately that I had found a kindred spirit. In fact, I've already waxed eloquent on her blog about my uterus (and she thought it was funny! See? Kindred spirit!) When you're done reading, be sure to head over and subscribe to her blog!
About The Dubious One: Recently, The Naked Redhead asked me to do a guest post for her and since I totally consider her not a douchebag, I decided, what the hell? It's Christmas and in the spirit of giving, I give you an interview I recently did with the hardest working fat white guy I know...well I don't know him personally, we're not BFF's or anything (and quite frankly, he's being kinda pissy with me right now after my Dear Santa, Let's Be Reasonable post), but he did agree to this interview during his busiest season (isn't it his only season??) and I thought it would be perfect to share with The Naked Redhead's readers, so let's get started.
Santa: I'd just like to point out that I didn't actually agree to this interview, per se.
dMa: Per se?? Omg! I love that phrase! And, no....no you didn't, but what's a little merry blackmail between acquaintances? You won't hold it against me, will ya Santa? That wasn't actually an interview question - it was just rhetorical. Now, on to the tough questions. I'm a regular Diane Sawyer...if Diane Sawyer were black and slightly tipsy.
Santa: Do I have to actually be here for this?
dMa: I'm just trying to set the tone here. It won't help if you're antagonistic, you know. Now, let me ask you...how many Santa suits are there? Do you wash the same one every year?
Santa: Mrs. Claus washes the same one every year.
dMa: Why can't you do your own laundry? Is that a Santa's Workshop mandate?? All the chicks have to do the boy elves' laundry? Are there even chick elves? Please answer all questions.
Santa: (Sigh) The elves do their own laundry; Mrs. Claus does mine. And yes, we do have female elves.
dMa: Are they called "Felves" and "Melves"?
Santa: (Looking around...) Do I have to answer this??
dMa: Oh Santa, calm down....look, your peeps want to know all about you. It's not me...it's them.
Santa: Did they write in, is that where you're getting these ridiculous questions from?
dMa: Santa, I hate to pull rank, but I'm asking the questions here, okay?
Santa: .....
dMa: Okay, good. Do you have any black elves? And if so, do you sometimes fu-, uh, screw up, and refer to them as slaves or even better worse - "slelves"?
Santa: We have black elves. I refuse to answer the second part of that question.
dMa: Oh, wow. So you guys have affirmative action up there at the North Pole? That's cool. Do you ever get any emails from PETA about how your reindeer are treated? Especially Rudolph....you know, him being the short bus rider in the bunch...
Santa: We did get some correspondence from PETA, but -
dMa: Let me guess, your secrtelve answers all that for you, huh?
Santa: I'd like to request a new interviewer if I may.
dMa: You may not. Is Tiger Woods getting anything for Christmas this year?
Santa: We have confidentiality issues......
dMa: Oh Santa, please. Just tell me. I think it was TNR herself who suggested he be put on the "Naughty but Good at Golf" list...did you take her advice? He deserves a present too.
Santa: I can't discuss this with you.
dMa: You know, Santa, you're not being very cooperative....would you like a glass of wine, a joint....a Xanax?? You need to relax...Let me ask you this: Do you and Mrs. Claus have sex?
Santa: (Looks around frantically.....) Where's my agent??!
I think it went well, don't you?
The Anti-Mom
Head on over and check 'er out!
Reader Comments (5)
hahahaah Love it!
Thank you! You know....he's not jolly at all. He's kinda uptight...I think he should have his cholesterol checked, really.
Dub you did it again. That shit is fucking hilarious. I am pretty sure you are on the naughty list. I'm surprised Santa didn't take the joint. He has to have the munchies to eat all those cookies. And Rudolph's nose is red from all the... well you know it takes a lot of energy to fly.
Mepsipax - thank you....yeah, drug addicts, the whole lot of them....I think that's why the big guy was so antsy during the interview.....
Now Dubios one... you would know from my previous comments that I am really a Bahh Humbug sort of guy... so what I am about to do is really out of character...... that's right I'm goiing to stick up for the fat fellow!
If you had to put up with a few million kids sitting on your lap demanding a ton of stuff that they will probably never play with beyond the end of december..... if you had to run a manufacturing plant in one of the coldest damn places on earth..... if you had to spend your xmas stairing at the arses of seven reindeer...... squeezing yourself down dark sooty chimneys..... arranging millions of presents under millions of trees....... and for all of that you only got to come once a year.......wouldn't you be pissed!
FUCK.... I'd go on strike.....
Mick