And without hesitation, I could say, “Yes, I’m completely fine.”  Sure, I was a little disappointed—I knew I had done a good job, and that I could’ve rocked the assignment—but sad?  Upset?  Wistful?  No, not in the least.

In fact, my reaction reminded me of a friend who was an actor in New York.   I asked him how hard it was to wait for those roles he really, really wanted, and he said, “You literally have to get to the point where you’re working so hard, that you don’t remember what you auditioned for.”  He recounted the time he did land that dream role, and when the call came through, he had to remind himself who was calling and why.

He realized the difference between dreams and opportunities.

His dream was to make a living as an actor, each audition was an opportunity to make that dream happen. 

A few years ago, I knew what I wanted in life, but I had no desire to work for it.  I knew I had some talent, I’d had people tell me they thought I could “make it”, and I had all the internal tools to get what I wanted, but I wanted it handed to me in a neat little package.  So, when opportunities arose, I saw them as the means to make my dreams come true.  I had nothing else to fall back on.  When those opportunities passed me by, when I was said “no” to, I took it personally, as an affront to me and my aspirations, because it’s all I had going for me.

And then it hit me.  No one will make my dreams come true but me.  No one.  I had a choice to either stop dreaming or get to work.  So, I began to work.  And work, and work, and work. 

Suddenly, opportunities became stepping stones instead of walls for merciful benefactors to hoist me over.  Not only could I now say “no” to opportunities if they weren’t completely in line with my end goal, but opportunities could say “no” to me.  And guess what?  It didn’t hurt or wound because I figured out that opportunities don’t make me…I MAKE my opportunities.  And even without being selected to Live off Groupon for a year, or being asked to write that guest post, or having an article rejected, my dream hasn’t died because it's an organic thing that doesn't stop being when there's a hitch.

So why does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

1.  Your dreams don’t matter if you’re not willing to work for them.  Who cares if you want to win a Tony if you’re not willing to take a dance class?  Who cares if you want to take over the blogosphere if you’re not willing to write. every. day. or open yourself to the community mindset of this neck of the interwebz?  Who cares if you want to be a designer but you don’t pour over color charts, bookmark your favorite designer’s portfolios, or render that first sketch?  No one will hand you anything just for being your talented self (though yes, talent does help). If your dreams don’t matter to you, they won’t matter to anyone else.
2. Your life will be filled—FILLED—with opportunities.  But will you be ready?  Can you show up for that last-minute audition with a prepared routine?  Will you be ready to dash off that 300 word essay at a moment’s notice?  Whip out your design portfolio when you just happen to run into that textile big-wig at a bar?  When you’re not ready, opportunities carry more weight…they are the be all to end all, they are your LAST CHANCE.  Don’t wait for that last chance…be ready now.
3. When you don’t see an opportunity, make your own.  One of the coolest things I’ve learned in the last year is the power of ASKING.  It’s okay to ask…to ask for that guest spot on a blog, to ask to sit in on a class, to offer your services for free to that business.  “No” is not such a harsh word when you learn to never equate “no” with “stop”.  Make it happen, don’t wait, get out there, pound that pavement…catch my drift?

I wanted to share this with you all because I am super excited about the next six months of my life.  I feel like they will be full of fantastic opportunities, new steps, and hard, hard work.  Please continue to join me for the ride…I’m glad to have you along.

We can always hop into the back seat later and make out.

Almost Friday!

A few years ago, I worked in an area of town that had lots of little bars all clustered together.  It pretty much went without saying that if you worked in one bar, you knew all the other bartenders in the area.  One night, a fellow bartender from the sports club across the street and I decided to hook up.  We didn’t exchange numbers or anything, just had a quick roll in the hay at his place.  Bada boom, bada bing, no-strings-attached, done.  Soon after our rendezvous, I quit my job and never saw him again.

About a week ago I was out with some friends and started up a conversation with a nice guy.  We talked for about an hour, and the whole time, we kept looking at each other funny.  Finally, I asked, “Did you used to work at Sports Bar?”  and he was like, “Yeah, why?”

And I said, “Yeah, we f*cked.”

A  look of surprise followed by a glimmer of recognition flashed across his face.  “Ohhh, we did?” he asked. 

“Uh-huh.  You used to live in the apartments with the funny archway at the entrance.”

At that point we both began laughing, but it was kind of over for me.  He asked for my number, but I can’t shake the nagging suspicion that whatever we did five years ago wasn’t that great for me anyway.

Read all the Dating Horror Stories here!

The Pole has played a special role throughout history:  it has marked the entrance to barber shops, played a northerly home to a fictional fat man, and now provides ladies the easiest way to look sexy this side of the Bumpit.  While I’d always thought taking a pole dancing class would be fun, I'd never had the guts to sign up for one.  Then a Groupon popped in my inbox for a ridiculously cheap 90 minute session at Dolphin Dance Studios in my hometown.  I knew the time had finally come to channel my inner sex kitten (which, let's face it, has become more of a inner sex piglet).

Upon arriving at the studio, I was pleased to discover that my classmates fell into every conceivable age, body type and personality.  The young professionals sat on their yoga mats right next to the stay-at-home moms, who sat next to the empty nesters, who sat next to the OSU college kids.  And as soon as Dolphin Dance's owner, Kristen, began our class I knew this experience would be special (sort of like a colonoscopy, but better).

"I'm here to save women from themselves," she said.  Once part of the exotic dance world in Hollywood, Kristen took steps to surgically alter what she thought were defects in her appearance, and as a consequence, suffered ten years of ill health.  She founded Dolphin Dance on the premise that women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, and that the "sexy" comes out when women truly believe they are sexy, regardless of their dress size. 

The class was fun and freeing; Kristen made sure to cultivate a safe and supportive atmosphere.  And I'm pretty sure amidst my flailing, I managed to look sexy a time or two.

So thank you, Groupon, for making it possible for me to get to experience The Pole.  I can feel my inner sex piglet morphing into a kitten already.

Have you ever taken a pole dancing class?  Would you?  Dudes, what do you think of pole dancing?

Read all of my 31 before 31 adventures in the archive!

BUT, I could not--COULD NOT--let my Groupon application essay go unpublished!  It's the finest bit of ridiculousness I've written in a long time, and like a smelly rash, it needs some air.  I wrote it in the same vein of the daily Groupon deal write ups.  Enjoy!

 Sarah:  The Complete History, Volume 7

Introduction

Many historians argue that 2010 marked the year that Sarah unwittingly set in motion the Goatherd Uprising of 2113.  Others counter that her inflammatory 2112 “No Horns in Heaven” speech ultimately started the war.  All postulation aside, a pre-22^nd century Sarah could not have known that she would doom the world to a bloody future filled with rabid humanoid goat-robots. 

A piano prodigy by five, master chef by six, and accomplished Solitaire player by sixteen, it seemed little in the world could slow Sarah down (save for, of course, the eighteen wheeler that took her life for the first time in 2095).*  She continued her path to infamy by earning a Bachelor's degree in Communications at twenty-one. Later, following employment in the now defunct dental field, and an appearance on an un-aired television show that featured Joe Piscopo and Morgan Fairchild,** she attained a Master's degree. 

In 2008, Sarah began pursuing her dream of entertaining audiences through written and spoken word.*** She started her website The Naked Redhead where she still writes (with assistance from her Butler XT3000) under the assumption that "life is fun(nier) when you're naked".  At the outset, Sarah was naïve to the pornographic implications of having a site with both "naked" and "redhead" in the title.  She did, however, learn how to produce content daily for an audience and cultivate reader loyalty by showcasing her personality and sense of humor.

Sarah's education, experience, and as yet undiscovered brain worm (see Sarah: Behind the Cerebellum) made her an ideal candidate to Live off Groupon in 2010.  As she quoted eloquently in her 2117 memoir, A Mind Be-Frayed, "Me know how speak in company voice, beep, beep, boop, bop."  Historical documents also show that several respected colleagues claimed she was "memorable" and "knew how to move people".****  Additionally, Sarah's public speaking skills allowed her to be a fantastic spokesperson for Groupon, a company that changed the rules of promoting businesses. 

To Live off Groupon for a year, Sarah said she was successful because, “I never took myself too seriously, which allowed Groupon's savvy young urbanite consumers--and America--to identify with my struggle to live outside my comfort zone.  It was also great to work for a company that makes things easy for everyone.  Well, for everyone except me."

Wise words from a fascinating but controversial figure.

*The second time was in 2112 during a botched full-body Botox operation.  The old bag refuses to die for a third time.

**Really.

***She fully realized this dream in 2045.  In her performance of "Fifteen Days in a Glass Box with Snakes and a Pen", Sarah used freshly molted snake skins and a ball point pen to compose an impromptu novel in just fifteen days.  Many have tried to replicate this feat, but none have done it while hoisted high above New York City in a glass box.

****Whether the statement references physical or emotional movement, we'll never know.

Yes, road rage.

I even yelled at one driver like I was on The Bad Girls Club, "MOVE, ya dumb b*tch!"

(Um, not nice, TNR, not nice. Seriously, I don't normally act that way on the road.)

But it got me to thinking, I've done a few Not Very Nice Things in my life...consider:

-I worked one summer at McDonald's.  The next fall, when ordering from the counter as a non-employee from a very obvious newbie employee, I got impatient that she couldn't find the right button and reached around the counter and pushed it for her.  With an eyeroll.  Not Very Nice.

-In high school, I felt bad for one person that lots of people were Not Very Nice to, so I decided to Be Nice.  Then I decided that I didn't like this person much after all, and just stopped talking to said person.  Not Very Nice.

-This weekend, I was taking some stuff over to our storage unit (I'll explain the need for a storage unit in a later post) when I got stuck behind a line of people who had obviously lost their security code to open the gate to the facility.  After about ten minutes (during which I waited VERY patiently), one of the passengers came and requested that I use my code to get us all in.  I was pretty hesitant to do so...my code is attached to MY name, and MY account, and I didn't want to let in some hooligans on my watch, but I decided to do it just to move the whole process along. 

We all proceeded in and the gate shut behind us.  I unloaded my stuff, and then sat in my car a minute trying to figure out what to do...to get out of the facility ALSO required a code, but my fellow storage unit-ers did not seem close to being finished.  It was getting dark, I was alone, and I wasn't about to leave my code with strangers.

Um, so I just left.  That's right, I locked those people in the storage facility.  Did I mention they didn't speak English well? Yeah...I sure hope they got out, but still...maybe Not Very Nice.  (I actually can't decide if it was Not Very Nice or just Covering My Ass.  Either way, sorry!)

So, we're all friends here...why don't you make me feel better about myself and tell me about a Not Very Nice Thing that you've done?  It'll be cathartic!  It'll be freeing!  It'll be just like apologizing to the people you were Not Very Nice to!  DO IT.

In a word, sexy.

But before I do that, I wanted to do a little housekeeping:

1.  First, welcome to new readers who have found me by way of my favorite tall-man blogger, The World's Strongest Librarian.  Thanks for visiting this blog, which is a huge part of my dream (practice, practice, practice!).  Here are a few ways you can play with The Naked Redhead (whoah, that sounded dirty):

• Subscribe for scintillating updates
• Fan me on Facebook
• Tweet with me on Twitter
• Yube with me on Youtube
• Shop in my Store

2.  The Live off Groupon challenge finalists will be announced on Monday.  I have no idea if they will call or contact said finalists before then.  If they aren't calling them, then YAY!  FINGERS CROSSED!  If they are calling them then BOO!  MY LIFE IS OVER!  Either way, if you haven't yet caught my Introduction Video, please view it on YouTube, comment and rate.  It's only about 90 seconds of your life, and I will be most appreciative.

3.  And last, but not least, here are a few posts from TNR that you might have missed this week:

• Your Inner Critic is a Bitch:  Why You MUST Kill Your Inner Critic
• Bob Costas Tickles Me:  The Always Enjoyable Giant Inflatable Beaver T-Shirt (also featured on Yay Today!)
• Awkward Moments
• Friday's Video Post: Perfect for all the Twilight Lovers

OK, your housework is done.  You may now go outside and hang with the neighborhood kids.

Check out my guest post, "Your Dreams are not Enough" over at The World's Strongest Librarian!

I'm pretty sure they'll shut me down in about two seconds for this one, but eh, it's funny, AND it's something I've always wanted to do ever since I thought of it about a year ago.

Presenting:  Awkward Moments, the figurines that showcase life's most uncomfortable scenarios.  Enjoy!

  

More to come soon!

What are your most awkward moments?