2012 was a doozy.
This year reminds me a lot of the biblical creation story. I was without form and void...and then boomsauce, life was like, "Let there be light, motherfucker."
And like being blasted in the face with light at 5:30 a.m. while having a wonderful sex dream about Bill Hader (my apologies to your wife, sir), that shit can be painful.
But I've recalibrated (I think. Ish.) While I felt like I lost myself for a moment, I've proactively taken steps toward my personal un-cocooning, as it were (it were, indeed).
-I participated in the most ridiculous round of therapy ever. When you Google "therapy for shame and depression issues related to an authoritarian upbringing" and find an actual result, you should go see that person at least once. It'll be weird, and you'll be like, "You want me to say what now to that empty chair that supposedly represents my mother?" but it'll be good for you. Promise.
-I bent my body into shapes and forms in a room like a sauna. I'm slightly more bendy than when I started, but not that much more. My spirit, however, feels much more flexible. Cheeseball, but true.
-I spent a week in a city that made me feel alive and energized. I do, truly, heart NY.
-I found Zen in the little things, like wiping down counters and sweeping floors. It is a kindness to myself to keep my home in quiet working order.
-I read book after book (after book) that continually reinforced that I have a bad tendency to over-complicate. Simplicity is key...in emotion, decision-making, and how I move within the world around me.
-I found that I have done a pretty darn good job in the last year of cultivating and growing the kind of friend and support group that makes a positive difference in my life. They will force-feed you sugar when your heart is broken, help you distill your thoughts into streamlined goals and actions, continue to see you when you are a total, TOTAL Debbie Downer, and dance with you to terrible, brain-liquifying pop music.
(They will also do hilarious things like add "to-do" items ("Fingerbang myself") to my whiteboard list without my knowledge...which are then discovered at inopportune moments, like having a gentleman caller over. THANKS GUYS.)
-I reclaimed my sense of confidence, and threw off the fear that I'm too old, too late, and too broken to be loved, sexed, or do anything truly great. (Good god, I'm 33...YOUNG still! All my parts are still in their original places! Calm the fuck down, Storer!)
There is still so much work to be done. But as my friend Anthony reframes it: "I'm perfect just the way I am. I just need a little tweaking."
Bring it on, 2013.