OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010 at 10:00AM
Gotcha! So I didn't get selected to #liveoffgroupon. Oh well...unlike my younger, twenty-year-old self, I now have a firm grasp on the difference between "dreams" and "opportunities". I'm perfectly content to keep pluggin' away here with you all. :)
BUT, I could not--COULD NOT--let my Groupon application essay go unpublished! It's the finest bit of ridiculousness I've written in a long time, and like a smelly rash, it needs some air. I wrote it in the same vein of the daily Groupon deal write ups. Enjoy!
Sarah: The Complete History, Volume 7
Introduction
Many historians argue that 2010 marked the year that Sarah unwittingly set in motion the Goatherd Uprising of 2113. Others counter that her inflammatory 2112 “No Horns in Heaven” speech ultimately started the war. All postulation aside, a pre-22nd century Sarah could not have known that she would doom the world to a bloody future filled with rabid humanoid goat-robots.
A piano prodigy by five, master chef by six, and accomplished Solitaire player by sixteen, it seemed little in the world could slow Sarah down (save for, of course, the eighteen wheeler that took her life for the first time in 2095).* She continued her path to infamy by earning a Bachelor's degree in Communications at twenty-one. Later, following employment in the now defunct dental field, and an appearance on an un-aired television show that featured Joe Piscopo and Morgan Fairchild,** she attained a Master's degree.
In 2008, Sarah began pursuing her dream of entertaining audiences through written and spoken word.*** She started her website The Naked Redhead where she still writes (with assistance from her Butler XT3000) under the assumption that "life is fun(nier) when you're naked". At the outset, Sarah was naïve to the pornographic implications of having a site with both "naked" and "redhead" in the title. She did, however, learn how to produce content daily for an audience and cultivate reader loyalty by showcasing her personality and sense of humor.
Sarah's education, experience, and as yet undiscovered brain worm (see Sarah: Behind the Cerebellum) made her an ideal candidate to Live off Groupon in 2010. As she quoted eloquently in her 2117 memoir, A Mind Be-Frayed, "Me know how speak in company voice, beep, beep, boop, bop." Historical documents also show that several respected colleagues claimed she was "memorable" and "knew how to move people".**** Additionally, Sarah's public speaking skills allowed her to be a fantastic spokesperson for Groupon, a company that changed the rules of promoting businesses.
To Live off Groupon for a year, Sarah said she was successful because, “I never took myself too seriously, which allowed Groupon's savvy young urbanite consumers--and America--to identify with my struggle to live outside my comfort zone. It was also great to work for a company that makes things easy for everyone. Well, for everyone except me."
Wise words from a fascinating but controversial figure.
*The second time was in 2112 during a botched full-body Botox operation. The old bag refuses to die for a third time.
**Really.
***She fully realized this dream in 2045. In her performance of "Fifteen Days in a Glass Box with Snakes and a Pen", Sarah used freshly molted snake skins and a ball point pen to compose an impromptu novel in just fifteen days. Many have tried to replicate this feat, but none have done it while hoisted high above New York City in a glass box.
****Whether the statement references physical or emotional movement, we'll never know.
Reader Comments (2)
*applauses* bravo! :)
*bows* Thank you, thank you. :)