Lady Firsts, Preggo Tests, and the Single Greatest Diet Known to Womankind (Guest Post by That Kind of Girl!)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010 at 8:00AM
She's smart, she's funny, and she's doing the equivalent of a 31 before 31 List ON CRACK. Seriously, if you haven't checked out That Kind of Girl's blog yet (aptly titled Not That Kind of Girl), you're missing out on great tales of bubble blowing, spray tanning and punching dudes on trains. Enjoy her hilarious guest post today!
As a woman, it seems to me that there’s a ten-year stretch of your youth that’s basically a flat-out sprint from milestone to milestone. Starting with Mother Nature’s Bat Mitzvah ‘til about the time of your first rimjob (wait, what?), dudes come popping out of the woodworks like Temple Guards, ready to escort you to various rites of feminine passage.
One of my personal favorite Lady Firsts happened when I was 18 years old. At the pinnacle of my Making Good Decisions phase, I’d been cavorting condomless with some handsome, heartless dog, and sometime around winter break realized that it was remotely possible the bloom in my cheeks and fluttering in my stomach wasn’t love. Wasn’t even lust. Holy frig, might even be – eek! – handsome, heartless puppy?
As soon as it occurred to me, I gathered my best girls and took a bus down to Walgreen’s. After going through some financial calculus over name-brand v. generic preggo tests (if I’m not pregnant, I’ll be pissed I didn’t save some money to buy vodka!), I scrambled to the counter and smacked down a two-pack of store-brand pregnancy tests, a bag of fun-size Milky Ways, and asked the clerk for a pack of Camel Turkish Golds.
After she checked my ID, the middle-aged cashier took in my bright, vibrant teenage face then gazed at my sad assortment of drugstore debauchery with an air of pity so infinite that the thought of it still cripples me. “Is there anything else I can do for you?” she asked, oozing regret.
I said to her the only thing I could say. “Do y’all have a bathroom I can use?”
Ten minutes later, I stormed out of the bathroom, face cracked in a grin, pausing only to high-five the pharmacist. (For which, btdubs, belated apologies. Seriously, has anyone ever taken a pregnancy test without peeing on their arm all the way to the friggin’ elbow?!) The whole ride home, I was so thrilled I was singing; spent the evening chain-smoking, pounding vodka, and – I’m sure – drunk-texting HHD. Yet even in the blaze of victory, the pity on the cashier’s face was never fully erased from my mind.
Obviously, kittens, that wasn’t my last Walgreen’s pregnancy test purchase or even preggo-purchase-followed-by-bathroom run. Oh, don’t front like you haven’t done it too.
A few years ago, when I was living in Seattle with The Ex during the summer before senior year of college, I had another tragic inability-to-count panic, and picked up another two-pack of pregnancy tests while I did our weekly shopping. When the clerk rang up the tests, which had been nestled in with the pork chops and low-sodium soup and fresh produce I’d been purchasing, she beamed up at my 20-year-old face (still way too young!) and chirped: “Good luck!”
You guys! In only two years, I had gone from looking like a tragic underage statistic to the kind of adult-like human being who might actually breed on purpose! It was the greatest appreciable upswing in my maturity status since I quit biting my toenails! And that’s when I discovered THE SINGLE GREATEST DIET PLAN KNOWN TO (WO)MANKIND.
The difference in the clerks’ reactions didn’t have anything to do with my relative maturity level. The difference is in what I was buying! If you’re living on Twinkies and vodka slushies, no shit the sight of a pregnancy test in your cart will make an adult mammal weep; if you’re eating fresh, seasonal produce, then chances are people will (incorrectly) assume you have your life together enough to raise a kid.
Hence my pregnancy test game. Now, every single time I run to the grocery store, I ask myself one question: “If I were to add a pregnancy test to my cart right now, would the clerk think I was hoping or scared out of my friggin’ mind?” If the former, chances are I’m eating pretty well. If the latter, then I force myself to trade out pizza rolls for eggplants until I reach prospective-mommy status.
Best. Diet plan. Ever.
Until the day, that is, when I get a craving for dinosaur-shaped chicken tenders and pre-sliced apples and the lady at the counter is like, “Oh, you’re expecting another one?!” and starts recommending post-natal yoga classes to firm up my tits. Argh. I hate that hypothetical bitch.
Ever have a pregnancy scare? Any questions for TKOG?
Reader Comments (18)
Dude, thanks for the sweet intro, and for hosting this guest post! Also, uh, judging by the question at the end of the post, I fear I've been under a misapprehension -- it's totally normal to assume you're totally pregnant, like, six times a year, right? No? Am I just too skeptical of birth control and/or bad at monitoring my monthly cycle? Yikes!
Love that nuvaring!
Wow, you need to write a full out diet book. That genius could get you on Good Morning America. And I love that someone has finally found a use for cashier judgey-ness.
@TKOG--It's totes cool to think you're pregnant at least 8 times a year, depending on how your pants fit.
@Kelly--Nuvaring is awesome, IUD is better.
@Dani--Cashier judgey-ness must stop! I say we start picketing individual cashiers. NO MORE DIRTY LOOKS!
haha! My worst pregnancy test experience was in a hostel in Montreal...uuugh. Awful suspense in the locker room, surrounded by padlocks and backpacks of the unencumbered...
@The Naked Redhead, (I am a redhead too, i like that about you :) I asked about IUDs and apparently you can only have them installed if you've had kids before? That's what my doc told me when I asked. I didn't delve much deeper.
@Kelly. Holy crap, the whole idea of anything being "installed" in my body totally freaks me out. I think I'll stick with the pill.
@Chiefy--That kind of sounds like the worst wait ever!
@Kelly--ANY woman can get an IUD...docs put the parameters in place to cover their asses, since there is a risk of infection with someone who hasn't "settled" or whatever that means. I do not have children, unless, of course that one bowel movement was something else entirely. You might just have to find a doc that will work with you! I went with Mirena and it's awesome. Planned Parenthood can also do IUDs if your doc won't "let" you have one (which is silly).
@Crystal--It's not too bad! OK, it was pretty bad the first day, but no more pills, rings, babies, etc. :)
I thought you were supposed to pee first thing in the morning for a pregnancy test? Or at least Google tells me that's when you're most likely to get accurate results due to highest levels of the hormone in your urine.
I had a friend whose gyno told her the IUD/after a kid stuff. He claimed that there was a rare risk of uterine perforation, and somehow, if you'd already had a kid, you'd be more likely to notice it? Or something like that. She thought it sounded pretty unlikely and found someone else who'd do it. No problems.
@Jenna: You are supposed to take it first thing in the morning, since that's when the hormone the test detects is most concentrated. I think that's why they sell them in two-packs, though: who can buy a pregnancy test without being so anxious that they take one IMMEDIATELY?!
TKOG, you've done it again! Possibly one of my favorite posts. I can't wait to see what TKOG Mom will say!!! <3 Also, Nuvaring ftw for those of us who can't get an IUD!
Also a nuvaring FTW reader here..
@Kelly and others whose doctors said "no IUD if you haven't had kids." My doctor told me that it may be more uncomfortable to put in if you haven't had a vaginal birth (which I haven't. damn c-section), and that she would give me a drug to soften the cervix the day before "installation" if I chose to go that route. Even though that was the only drawback to getting the IUD, I went with the nuvaring anyway.
TKOG wrote, "Am I just ... bad at monitoring my monthly cycle?"
Yes.
HAHAHAHA...ok, at first when I saw "The Ex" I thought it might be MINE, and I'm like, uhhhhh...
And then I saw that it was TKOG's...and awesome. :)
I tend to be overly responsible, but when my period's late? I will convince myself that I'm pregnant--even if I've used like eight different kinds of birth control. Or worse, EVEN IF I NEVER HAD SEX THAT MONTH. But I've yet to buy a pregnancy test. Cheapness trumps paranoia.
HA! I've been there, too. Like, there's no physical way I could be pregnant, but the seed of the idea is still there. I also like to pretend that if my pants don't fit, it's because I'm pregnant, and NOT because I've been eating nothing but Velveeta Shells and "Cheese" for a solid week.
Velveeta shells and cheese are entirely healthy if you dump a can of tomatoes in. Right?
The Nuvaring kind of disturbs me, size-wise. Can't you feel that thing?
When I was on it, I really couldn't. It's easy to forget it's there!