How to Break-up with Dignity: Part Two--The Breaker

Miss Part One of How to Break Up with Dignity?  Read it here!

For anyone that's had to initiate a break-up, the experience can be fraught with just as many emotions as being dumped.  Often, The Breaker doesn't act on a whim, but might go through weeks, months or even years of mental calisthenics to make a decision.  And while The Broken may not always believe it, The Breaker can experience just as much pain from a break-up as the person who's been dumped.

However, The Breaker can also be pretty horrid, either intentionally or unintentionally.  So here's how to break-up with someone with dignity:

**DISCLAIMER:  AGAIN, I AM NOT A CERTIFIED ANYTHING.  ALSO, I’M TALKING ABOUT BREAK-UPS IN GENERAL HERE…ONES THAT END SOMEWHAT AMICABLY, AND DEFINITELY NOT THOSE THAT END BECAUSE OF ABUSE, UNAPOLOGETIC CASES OF INFIDELITY, OR HELL, ANY SITUATION WHERE EITHER PARTY HAS COME TO PERSONAL HARM.  CALL THE COPS AND THEN CALL THE DOCTOR, AND DEFINITELY DON’T TAKE THIS KIND OF ADVICE FOR THOSE SITUATIONS.  BUT YOU’RE SMART PEOPLE…YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY. :)**

Be Kind, aka, “Ohhh, Dear, I wish you’d stop calling him a Mother Fucker.”*

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding a break-up, it's important to try to be kind—or at least civil--to the person you are ending a relationship with.  Obviously, this is often easier said than done (and again, please read the disclaimer above). 

When I was going through my divorce, I decided I didn't want to be one of those horribly bitter people that speaks hatefully about her ex for the rest of her life, so I vowed that I would be nice…or civil, at least.  It didn't mean I was a pushover or whatever, but I decided I wanted to be the type of person I would admire if I were an observer instead of a participant.  This attitude wasn't easy when someone on Team Ex sent me a nasty e-mail calling me a "whoar" (the mispelling angered me more than the accusation) or when our old friends all seemed to take his side, or when his parents sent e-mail after e-mail filled with back-handed compliments ("We really miss you, but can't trust you anymore because we think you're a liar."  Awesome.) 

So yeah, there were times I wanted to drop kick the guy, but kindness won out, and now I can say with some pride that we're actually friends.  We don't hang out or share lollipops, but we'll catch up over e-mail, we've met each other's partners and I think I can say that we're both genuinely interested in one another's happiness in life. 

All that to say, if you're The Breaker and you're hoping to continue a friendship with your ex (and this should be a SECRET hope, because you'd never say that while breaking up, right?  Cardinal break-up sin and all, the old, "Let's be friends" line), kindness is the way to go.  You might be really angry, he or she might have been horrendous, but try to be the better person.  You won't regret it.

Be Quiet

In the first installment of How to Break-up with Dignity, I mentioned that The Broken should refrain from communication with an ex for at least two weeks.  The same goes for The Breaker, but I'd prolong it even longer.  If you're following the first step--Be Kind--then the kindest thing to do is allow both parties to get over the pain of a break-up.  The Breaker can hinder that healing by "checking in", calling to say hi, doing the ole break-up nasty, or opening closed doors...that is, "I miss you, too" or "I love you but...".  Do not give hope where there may be none.

A guy I dated in college and I tried to be friends after I broke up with him because I wasn’t as into him as we was to me.  Every time we hung out, his hope grew that we’d get back together, while I knew, “Hey Crazy Pants, never gonna happen!”  Everything came to a head when we had both moved back to our hometowns and he called me with huge plans to come visit me for Christmas.  That’s when I realized I had let things go on for far too long.  Some dude was going to spend a ton of money just because he hoped we’d be together someday.  I cut things off right then and there…and guess what?  He HATED me.  I think we’d have had a better chance at friendship had I been more firm in the beginning.  

Be Cautious

Just like when you’re The Broken, being The Breaker can really require some soul searching.  You may need to ask some questions of yourself:  Are you always The Breaker, never staying too long in one relationship?  Are your break-ups for the same reasons every time (moving too fast, infidelity, abuse, not enough commitment, etc.)?  Could your break-ups be avoided if you fixed small problems before they became big problems?  Before rushing into your next relationship, take a survey of your relationships.  Are there patterns or cycles you see in your relationships?  Are you just in need of some time spent being single and getting reacquainted with yourself?  If needed, ask a good friend or your therapist if they see recurring behaviors in your relationships.   Or hey, they may just confirm that you’re pretty courageous.

And that’s my final note…anytime you’re The Breaker, it takes a certain amount of courage.  I think many relationships don’t end when they should because people are afraid of being alone, or scared of the pain of loss.   Being The Breaker usually means that you’re sacrificing something, and whether it’s a positive sacrifice or a negative one, it still takes a lot of balls.  If you’ve had to be The Breaker a time or two, give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to say, “I’m okay by myself.”

Have you ever had to break-up with someone?  How does being The Breaker compare with being The Broken?

*My friend Sarah's mom said this once when Sarah was talking about her ex...hilarious.

Comments

[Being Samiantha]

I think you're my new girl crush, just for being so damn smart, and for this set of postings.

I was The Breaker this past Saturday, and if you read previous posts on my blog, my recent actions will reconfirm what you've written.

It took pain, courage, to make this decision.
I fought fair, we were extremely civil, both were honest and not malicious with one anothers feelings, aside from ending the relationship itself.

Now as The Breaker, I'm sad, mad, hurt, lonely, may never have sex again, may even die alone, indifferent and even happy.... all in the same breath.

We will be friends, just not right now.

Thank you for posting this, if anything you've made me feel better about my decision to end things with D.
To be more honest with myself, my heart, and my desires.

Luv you Red.
xo

[Manda]

I was the breaker once, and he cheated on me terribly. I was bitter FOREVER. I was dating someone new, and I was still bitter. A friend of mine heard me talking badly about my ex and gave me the best advice I've ever heard. The person you broke up with still deserves your respect. If you loved that person, then they at least deserve civility. I haven't been bitter since. We're even friends of a sort now. We can catch up now and then and talk about our lives without me wanting to cry for hours afterward. I'm going to remember that advice forever, and hopefully stick with it.

[Jennifer]

I was the Breaker in my one big break up thus far. I wish I had been more honest with myself months before the break up and hadn't dragged it out so long. I was so worried about devastating my then-bf that I forgot to think about my own happiness in the relationship. I eased into it by "going on a break" - we were long distance and after a few weeks of freedom I made it clear that it was a permanent break. He did not take it well at all, but ending communication was the best way for both of us to move on. We were civil, but have not maintained a friendship.