How to Break-up with Dignity: Part One--The Broken
Monday, December 7, 2009 at 6:00PM
I’ve talked a lot on here about how to succeed in dating or a relationship, but what do you do if you’re at the end of a relationship? I believe there are three distinct parties in a break-up (or more, if you’re in one of those new-fangled open relationships that the kids are doing these days):
- The Broken
- The Breaker
- The Buddy
Each party has certain responsibilities, and it’s possible for each to navigate the post-break-up afterlife with some dignity. Today, let’s focus on The Broken.
****DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A LICENSED ANYTHING. WELL, I USED TO HAVE MY RADIOLOGY LICENSE, BUT WHATEVER. SO OBVIOUSLY, IF YOU ARE HAVING DARK AND TWISTY THOUGHTS, I AM NOT A SHRINK. GO SEE A REAL DOCTOR, M'KAY?****
If you’re The Broken, it means you just got your ass dumped. Sorry! (Wow, that was mean.) I’ve seen people do some pretty stupid things when they’re The Broken, and I’ve seen people cry quietly and move on. Whatever the case, I think most can agree that random crying jags at the office, car keying, Facebook stalking and drunk texting is not exactly the definition of dignity. Now, I’m not saying you don’t get to have crazy crying jags, or that there’s not room for a well-timed snarky jab if you run into the ex at your favorite place, but here are a few steps for handling a little rejection with some class.
- Give yourself some time for mourning—Oh yes, cry it out bitch. This step should be completed as soon as possible when you’re The Broken. Get it out…all that sadness, hurt, and anger needs to go someplace and should not be internalized. Do not let it fester, just be a snotty mess, eat some ice cream and kill a few trees with your tissue use. Try to take the day off work or school if you can. You'll feel better the next day, I promise!
- Give yourself some time for talking—Call a good non-judgmental friend and talk about your break-up from every angle. If it’s a complicated break-up (divorce, infidelity, abuse, etc.) get a shrink, STAT. Any kind of talk therapy is good and can sometimes be surprising. You may learn new things about yourself or your ex, discover destructive habits, or hell, figure out that you’re way stronger than you ever imagined.
- Give yourself some time for crazy—OK, some broken relationships just need some…venting. That can mean cutting up of pictures or letters, burning his or her college sweatshirt, or an evening of quality time with Jack and the Captain. But to be crazy with dignity, you should a) be supervised by some patient friends, and b) not in violation of any state or federal laws. If you need to burn that old sweatshirt, make it a party. Brew up some hot toddies, pop in some terrible movies and SAFELY burn it in your fireplace or outdoor firepit. DO NOT burn the clothing while he or she is wearing it. That’s just rude.
(As a side note, crazy should NEVER include drunken texts, random phone calls to "just say hi" or break-up sex. Believe me, these actions will never result in either dignity or getting over the relationship. You'll feel crappier than before and your ex may start to resent you. I say cut off all communication for at least two weeks. Don't let your ex be "nice" by following up with you and making sure you're ok. Don't try to be friends. Cut it off until you're a little more rational and can make better decisions for yourself. My two cents, at least. Your psychologist may say otherwise.)
With each of these steps, the operative word is “time”…and this is relative to each situation. Obviously, it can be harmful to cry and cry for days on end, so I’ve actually found it helpful in my life to give my funks a time limit, i.e. “In three days, I am done crying over this person.” Or maybe even have a friend who you can count on for tough love punch you in the shoulder and let you know that three months of moping is too much (you hear that, Bella Swan??).
Break-ups are hard, and honestly, you might be hurting for a week, or you might be hurting for half a year. Whatever your situation, listen to your body and mind and go to a doctor if you have been feeling depressed.
It’s okay to need help when you’re The Broken, and with a little time, good friends, and some healthy venting, you’ll be back in the saddle in no time…er, whatever "saddle" means to you, you pervs.
Reader Comments (3)
Wow, the timing of these next few posts couldnt have come at a better time.
I just broke up with an on/off again 13 yr relationship... yet I'm the one crying, talking it out, making peace within myself. Trust me, it was a healthy decision.
I can not wait to see what the next entries will entail.
Keep up the excellent work Red... More snark please.
xo
I just had my heart broken, great article! time takes time unfortunately...
Great post!!!