How to Beat a Relationship Slump
Friday, October 23, 2009 at 12:00PM
I'm about to write something that's less a "how to" and more of a "No, seriously, how do I really do this." So any advice from you incredibly smart people (and FitJerk) would be much appreciated.
:D
The Boyfriend is going on one year of being unemployed. These past twelve months have been rough on both of us as individuals, and as a result, our relationship has been battered, beaten and bruised. I think we've both discovered that we're not super good at communicating with each other in stressful situations. He is very much the type of person who internalizes his struggles quietly. When his father almost died last year, The Boyfriend barely showed any outward signs of turmoil, though the worry radiated off him in waves.
I am also the type of person who internalizes my struggles quietly...until I reach a ridiculously dramatic boiling point. So this last year has been a picture of us both putting our noses to the grind stone, working things out in our own ways...until I freak out and I'm convinced that his silence means he doesn't love me anymore.
Makes for a super exciting dinner date, lemme tell you.
I've been talking with a friend a lot about the ups and downs of relationships. We've discussed how you know you're finally learning to be mature when fights with your partner don't automatically lead to the thought, "OH GOD, WE'RE BREAKING UP." In our respective partnerships, we've discovered that the "downs" are just as much a part of the fabric of a relationship as the "ups" are.
Here's the problem, though...the "downs" are really shitty.
It's hard to believe that a mere three years ago The Boyfriend and I had nary a care in the world. We were both gainfully employed, making ok money, and enjoying each other's company. We never fought, and the biggest issue in our relationship was, "Your place or mine?"
Now, our relationship feels very solemn--and rightly so--but I think the solemnity is taking a toll. If I think I'm stressed, I can't even imagine what he's feeling as he applies for job after job after job every day, as he hoofs it to shops with signs in the window, all while trying to beat the Unemployment Check Clock...the one that runs out this week. In moments of true desperation, he's even mentioned the military, since they're always "hiring".
(Please, please, no.)
I can tell him over and over that I don't mind shouldering our finances right now, but he feels terrible that he's not contributing financially to the relationship. I want to tell him about the benefits this year has held for him, how he's made a name for himself coaching in the Jr. Olympic Volleyball scene, how he's networked with all the right people, and even given my neurotic dog a break from long mornings in a crate. These days, though, assurances are not the same as benefits and a paycheck.
I am not complaining about our life together, nor do I blame him for our current state. We are still best friends, we still love each other, but we are tired. It's time for a nap, reprieve, whatever...something.
So, really. How DO you beat a relationship slump?
Reader Comments (6)
this could not have come at a better time!
I think the only way to beat a slump is together. Realizing the way you both deal with different situations and talk, talk, talk...until it makes you not want to talk anymore but in that really good way...like 'wow, i'll definiteily do this again!"
I'm similiar in that i'm very internal until i explode and my man is internal, until i beat it out of him...however after, we both feel better and stronger.
Indoor Picnic.
Blanket + cupcakes and tiny sandwiches + candles + talking about date stuff (no business, no stress) = ;)
Try doing something new together that costs little to no money. Something creative that neither of you have done either individually or as a couple. Something that doesn't keep bringing to the forefront that he is jobless and your relationship is strained. Create it and make it happen. It will give both of you this new, exciting feeling that for even just that day/night, will make you focus solely on that and not what's missing with the job/money.
Awww Red....that sucks. I do know that it doesn't matter what the hell you say, guys just have that built in "I'm not a man if I'm not providing" thing going on and even though we might sincerely mean it when we say "Babe, it doesn't matter. I got this." They don't care. Won't change their DNA....I just sit back and wait....I try not to be too "Babe, what can I do? Do you want to talk about it?" Cause they don't. I guess I just try to make sure he knows that I love him, whatever happens. Sometimes, that has to be enough. Good luck.
Definitely sucks.
Case in point: My boyfriend and I are together 24-7. I'm not kidding. We live together, but we also
work togetherrun a business together. A business that his mom owns. We get up in the morning, drive to work, work, drive home, and then are home. All together. This sounds absolutely like a horrific tale of two clingy lovers that cannot simply stand to be apart for fear of death. For the most part, it's not, and our situation wasn't planned out to be this way.When 24/7 situation started, there were a lot of the 'OMG WE'RE FIGHTING AND NOW THAT HAS TO MEAN IT'S OVER' moments. The we realized that we were just being stupid. We learned the whole communication thing and have learned that as much as at sucks ass to sit down and confront each other, it's one of those things you've got to do.
We do things like having 'sleep overs'. We order pizza, watch a movie or two, stay up all night playing video games (Worms especially), and just hang out. With no expectation of anything else. We do what we did at first - hung out like the best friends we were without a care in the world. Every few months we save up a little money and go somewhere that isn't the city we live in or the city we work in. We play the tourist act, don't worry about work, have fun exploring the hotel, etc.
Try to get away and do something that you two did when you were first dating. Go to the zoo and feel like a kid again. Go to an art exhibit and make fun of all the weird stuff. Find the smuttiest book you can in a bookstore, and read parts of it aloud and snicker uncontrollably.
The most important part is that it does take the both of you to beat it. Slumps happen, and they will always happen during certain stages of life. C'est la vie, but if you two keep with it, you'll overcome it.
And wine helps too.
Myself and my boyfriend went through this but to be honest out situation for "escaping" the slump was a bit extreme. I was in a very bad accident as I was commuting to and from work and college and was in an accident. After that we moved in together and relocated.
All I can say is, that this time that is so so difficult is passing. It's long and it's difficult but it will pass.n Concentrate on the good and the awesome and try to support each other.