Divorce, Part Two
EMAIL THIS ARTICLE My Story Mondays: Divorce, Part Two
Marriage Misconceptions
Read The Quixotic Jedi's story over at his blog!
Last week, I told you a bit about my story of going through a divorce. This week, I'd like to share what I now believe are some common misconceptions about marriage.
Misconception #1: "Marriage Fixes Problems"
I can honestly say that I believed that the crippling doubt that I had previous to my marriage would magically disappear once I said, "I do." I figured that I'd no longer be unsure about my decision once the decision was made, and in theory, it's not the worst thing I could have thought. There is something to be said for deciding to, well, "lie in the bed you've made for yourself." Er, something like that.
Ha. Double ha, even.
The first few months were okay...there was enough for the two of us to deal with without me revisiting my old doubts and fears. But, about four months in, there was trouble in paradise. I specifically remember having an argument with him, and he asked, "Do you even love me?" and I literally could not answer. Did I mention this was FOUR. MONTHS. into things? Small wonder, then, that five years later, he'd pose the same question, and my answer wasn't much different.
Marriage does not fix problems. Very often, marriage creates a whole new set of problems, and really, how many problems can one person concentrate on at a time? I kind of cringe when I hear that a couple is going to get married simply because they got pregnant, or because someone needs insurance. While this move may make sense on paper, couples should really examine their reasons for wanting to get married, and be sure to seek counsel before tying the knot.
Misconception #2: "We're Not Dating, We're Married"
This statement is true in its essence, but I think a lot of married couples experience trouble because they forget to woo one another. They've "got" each other, so they stop practicing the behaviors that sustained their relationship up until that point. One of my friends and her boyfriend currently are "off limits" to anyone else on Wednesdays, because that is their date night. No matter what, they plan something special and make sure to touch base (hehe, dirty)...whether or not they are exhausted or busy or whatever. In my marriage, our actual one-on-one contact with each other pretty much ceased in the last two years of our relationship. I don't think that the marriage would have been saved by instituting a "date night" but we certainly might have sensed trouble much earlier on.
Misconception #3: "Finding 'The One'"
I don't buy it. I don't believe there is one special person for everyone (though I'm willing to concede that some loves just work better than others). Rather, I think that two people meet, and they are the right person for the other person at the right time. For instance, my boyfriend and I are absolutely perfect for each other NOW, but six months before I met him, I am 99% sure we would not have dated, let alone even gotten along. (I had some serious "wild oats" to finish sewing. Woooo! Farming!)
The concept of "the one" is damaging because it not only seems to foster unreal expectations, but also focuses less on personal development. My dad used to always tell me, "If it's the right person, it's the right time." Sorry, Dad, but you're wrong on this one. Sometimes it could be right person...but what if *I* am not the right person? That is to say, what if I am just not ready to be the right person for THAT right person?
Right. I actually think I was a bit more eloquent about it here.
Anyway...
What do you think are some common misconceptions about marriage? Are you/were you married? Any rude awakenings after you tied (or untied, as it were) the knot?
Don't forget to stop by TQJ and read his story!
Reader Comments (4)
Yeah, I'd say I identify with #2 the most. For me, it came in that "happily ever after" misconception - that (with a dash of #1) no matter what went wrong, everything would work out in the end because we were married. This also came in the form of taking my marriage for granted. It was kind of a snake-eating-its-tail situation - I thought that since everything was going to work out "happily ever after", so would my marriage. Can I say 'affirming the consequent' here?
Great read. Great series.
I think it's a common misconception that you're always going to like each other. Sometimes you really don't like your spouse, for whatever reason. The way to determine if you still love your spouse is by asking yourself if, even though you don't like him/her much at the moment, how would you feel about not being married? For me, the answer has never been "relieved." I've always wanted to still be married to my hubs, even in the brief periods that we get on each other's nerves hardcore.
So true, Erin. Good point!