Dear Red: How to Help an Unemployed Partner

Dear Red,

I'm writing to seek advice from you because, from what I've gathered on TNR, you're in a similar situation to mine, being that the boyfriend is unemployed.

Yep, fun times.

The big difference is, we don't live together and have only been dating for about six months. How do you provide encouragement, financial help and aid in the jobhunt process without falling into coddling/nagging/mom-like tendencies? The whole resume-sending, follow-up call and interview process really intimidates him; he also tends to be easily distracted and kind of aimless during the time he sets aside for searching and filling out apps. As much as I care about this guy and totally see a future there, I can only realisitically provide so much help at this point in the relationship. Thoughts? Suggestions? Reality Checks? Anything would be appreciated.

Thanks a bunch,

The Working One

Ugh, I feel for ya, friend.  This past year has been rough on The Boyfriend and I, both financially and emotionally...there were a few times I thought we might not make it, but here we are, still kicking.  I'm pretty sure we did a lot wrong.  We also did a lot right (usually after we did it wrong the first time), which is why we're still together and in a much better place than we've ever been.  (PS--As of January 1, The Boyfriend is employed again full time!  Woo!)

So, here's a few things I've learned over the last year:

Some things just can’t be fixed

At the end of the day, I had to realize that aside from words of encouragement, helping him re-write his resume or cover letter, and doing as much networking for him as I could...there was absolutely nothing I could do about his job.

Gulp.

So, I learned that you have to figure out what you CAN do.  Don't be afraid to ask him how you can help, and maybe offer to sit with him for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon to pour through the paper or Craigslist and flood the market with his resumes.  If he's nervous about interviewing, offer to accompany him to a local networking event, or help him script answers to top interview questions.

And if he says no...then that's it.  He said no.  Remember, as much as you want to help, he ultimately has to go to that interview alone and charm that HR manager himself.   Which brings me to the next thing I learned…

Your partner's well-being is more important than his or her employment status.

Sounds obvious, right?  Well, sometimes it's not, especially when you're wondering how the bills are going to get paid this month or how you’re going to survive on a loaf of bread and half a jar of peanut butter for the next week (seriously, we were there at one point).

Once I figured out that there were some things I just couldn’t fix, I decided that I would fix what I could as the "check-inner".  I’d make it a point to ask regularly, "How are you feeling?  What kind of leads have you had?  Did you hear from...?"  The hardest part was that I had to make these questions stem from a genuine place that cared about his well-being first, and about what being jobless meant to us second.  

That shift in my thinking was the hardest lesson of all, since, obviously, having no money is incredibly stressful and it seems practical in that moment that having money will miraculously make everything better.  BUT, once we really learned to communicate about the process, his feelings, my feelings, etc. things did get better, because suddenly I wasn't addressing the surface issue of, "He needs a job." Instead, I was able to help with the deeper need of the crazy stress he was feeling, the way he felt like a failure for not having a job in the first place, and how he felt completely alone in the whole process. In other words…

Pretend your partner is not jobless

Ok, ok, I know THAT step is super hard, but think of it this way:  remove the unemployment issue, and just imagine that your partner is sad or stressed out.  Do you know how to help him now?  Of course you do!

Once I kind of figured out that our state as a couple really had nothing to do with The Boyfriend's lack of employment things got way better, because just like you, I already KNEW how to help my boyfriend when he was feeling bad.  And, once he figured out that I didn't resent him for not having a job, it lifted a bunch of his anxiety. 

Did my change in attitude miraculously produce a job?  No.  Did it make things all puppies and kittens?  No...BUT, it made our stress more manageable, and now that he has a job, we don't have a bunch of resentment or bad feelings for each other left over to work through.

Final thoughts…

Helping a non-married partner financially is tricky.  If you guys don't live together and it's only been six months, I honestly would be really careful about helping out too much with your money.  I don’t see any problem with treating him to dinner and a movie, or buying him a new dress shirt for an interview, but I’d be really careful about the “biggies” like his rent, car payment, etc. 

Even though The Boyfriend and I live together, we do not combine our finances, and I had to be careful that I wasn't giving so much so that I resented him or that he was embarrassed for the help and began to resent me.  You may want to have a really honest talk about your finances with him if you're unsure how to handle the situation.  It might be a sucky, awkward conversation, but it’s better to get it all out in the open ahead of time than be anxious about it or develop unreal expectations.  Make your donations to him very clear…either it’s a gift or it’s a loan.  Period.  Don’t just let it hang in the in between of “Oh shit, there goes all my money.”

I really hope things begin to look up for you both!  As cliche as it sounds, just take everything one day at a time...deal with what you're feeling in this moment, and try not to get caught up in all the stress.  If you think there's a future there, it can still happen, and you guys will come through this time stronger than before.  Good luck!

What do you guys think?  Have you ever been unemployed or had to help someone through unemployment?

If you have a question for me, use the contact form on the right or e-mail thenakedredhead (at) gmail (dot) com!