Tuesday
Oct202009
Dating Horror Stories: Carly
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 12:00PM
Remember when I went to New Orleans with Carly? Well let me tell you, I didn't hear this story then, and we got pretty drunk. Please enjoy her not-quite-300-words-or-less story...and believe me, it's worth it.
The BFF and I were celebrating New Years Eve at our favorite bar, which for safety's sake will remain unnamed. We went to this bar approximately 4 days a week, mainly because the bar was only open 4 days a week. (Had this particular bar been open all week long, I may be in a rehab facility currently.) I had set my sights on a certain gentleman that worked at the bar and I had been eye-f*cking him for months. I was pretty sure he was aware I existed because I also randomly followed him around the bar. Strike that, I am CERTAIN he was aware of it because I am not as discreet as I think I am.
He was the head bouncer at the bar, which means he had big muscles and he was tall, 2 inches shy of a seven-footer. On the night of the bar's New Year's Eve party, the BFF and I sat at the bar for a good two hours during which time I managed to suck down somewhere around a dozen cranberry and vodkas. I spotted my prey during my ferocious drinking session and knew at that moment, on that very night, that it would be my time to shine and I was going to *GASP* TALK to him!!!!!
I slammed what was left of my cranberry and vodka and proceeded to locate the object of my affection. It wasn't hard to spot him and I did so in seconds. I immediately grabbed my purse, pushed my bar stool away from the bar and stood up like I was Queen of the World, The Sh*t, *insert your own phrase here* etc. My BFF knew an attack was imminent and she let me go do what I had to do. I started to feverishly walk his way, positive that I would be getting what I wanted. As I moved closer and closer I started to freeze up and I felt like my mind was going blank. The BFF followed behind me for what I can only assume was for amusement purposes only, that b*tch God love her.
Finally, I was at my destination. He had his back to me. A plethora of phrases ran through my head, things such as "Hello, my name is Carly.", "Hi there.", "What's crackin'?", Although not one of those phrases actually made it out of my mouth. I was standing behind him, and let me tell you, it is a little intimidating to stand behind a man of his stature, and the only thing more frightening were the words that were about to leave my mouth and flow to his ears.
All of a sudden I lost control of my right arm and I reached out to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around (of course he had to look down considering his height) and gave me a strange look. There was a very long, awkward silence followed by the most famous phrase to ever cross my lips. I looked him square in the eye and said, and I quote, "I bet you have a huge d*ck".
Silence. Just as I thought I was going to black out I saw him whip his cell phone out of his pocket and he leaned over to me and said, "What's your number?" I was in total and utter shock. I blurted out my number and then turned to walk away like a little kid whom had just gotten whipped for doing something terrible. He grabbed my arm and said, "Ummm, your name?"
We left the bar and she said "I cannot believe you just said that. Out of all the things you could have said to him after doing nothing but talking about him for a straight six months and you say 'I bet you have a huge d*ck.' The part that astonishes me the most is how fast he whipped out his phone to get your number...NOT." Yeah that was clearly not a surprise to me either, but I still wondered if he would call OR if he just took my number so I would "get lost".
New Years Day I was sitting on my couch and my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize but I still answered it. Thank God I did because it was him! We ended up going out that day and we ended up dating for a few months. See?! Sometimes it pays to have no shame in your game. The only thing awkward about the relationship was the fact that he didn't fit in my "midget-sized" bed.
So if your feelin' like a pimp ladies, go head and brush yo shoulda's off.
The only thing that makes this story better is hearing it in person. Read all the Dating Horror Stories here or submit your own at thenakedredhead (at) gmail (dot) com!
Reader Comments (8)
I am DYING! Fantastic! I have no other words.
LOL! That's fantastic. But I have one question.....did he? :)
Have you ever seen a horse take a piss? It is liken to the stature of that. I pray for his current g/f, wife, bf whatever. It was huge.
hahahahahahahah*big breath* hahahahahahahahahahahahahah
I love you, you're my new hero!
This is me rising from the dead after I became dead from all that laughing!
Great story.
OMG, I`m dying :))) This is hilarious!! :))))
Hello,
That was funny as hell! I have to say that I admire your candor and eagerness to cut to the chase! I hope you had fun and it sounds as if you really enjoyed your time in New Orleans and that nice carousel ride you discovered! I am from New Orleans and although I don't live there now I always have fun when I go back!
Thanks for the story.
Robert
Huh. I tried that line once, but the chick slapped me and stalked off. I guess it's all in the delivery. I'll have to make some modifications to my game on that one.