An Open Letter to Douchebags

As I mentioned before, I joined an online dating site recently. It was a way for me to have a bit of fun, see what's out there, and really, to do something I enjoy: writing profiles.

God, I love writing profiles. I really do. I think it's a fun way to show my personality and my writing skills and to at least wring some enjoyment out of the whole process of maybe meeting some cool people, but probably meeting a whole bunch of people who look nothing like their pictures. Ha.

As you might imagine, my profile is written much like how I write on here...a balance of truth, silliness, and outright ridiculousness. The whole tone is fun and breezy while still making my preferences clear.

Well...not all dudes get it. I got this message from one yesterday:

i'm sorry, but this is the worst thing i've seen on this website by far. you are not a nice girl and are not a unique special star just like your first grade teacher said you were. that's why you are single and 31. that's why

Um, wow. I know we talked yesterday about the power of just ignoring someone, but there was so much wrong in this little message that I seriously considered sending a ranty message. (You all talked me off the ledge) I didn't, though. I took the high road.

DAMMIT.

But that doesn't mean I can't post an open letter to all douchebags who use the line "...that's why you're single," in reference to women, right? That's what I thought. Without further ado...

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Dear Douchebags,

You just uttered that phrase, "...that's why you're single," and we women aren't really going to put up with that shit anymore. We gather from your statement that you may not really like us in a partner potential way. That's fine, but this statement angers us, for more than one reason. We'd be happy to list these reasons for you. Are you ready? Here goes:

1. You don't know us. You don't know our situations, our loves, our losses or otherwise. Your assumptions about our character and that NO ONE could possibly want us is erroneous, because many of us have loved and lost...but that's not really the point. We also take issue that your statement suggests we must find SOMEONE (you, we presume?) to be complete. As a friend recently said, "Finding someone to marry is easy. ANYONE will marry SOMEONE." I know it's weird to think about, but maybe we've decided we won't just settle just so we can fit your ideals of what a relationship should be.

2. It seems to us that it's just a titch sexist to assume that "not a nice girl" would be single and lonely at thirty-one. We kinda get pissed (because we are human, and not because we are 21/31/41) at men who assume that thirty one year old women are lonely, sad, and desperate hags who can't get love in life. Maybe IT IS NO ONE'S FAULT that we're single...maybe, just like anyone else who has been in a relationship, it takes two to tango and it didn't work out. Or maybe we just haven't met the right person. Or maybe we don't believe in timelines and we've focused on our careers, our health, or whatever the hell we want because we know we're okay whether we are single or not.

But yeah, we figure that doesn't compute well with you...because if only all ladies could just find ONE MAN whom they can lean on and trust for care and love for always!

But, SIGH, you're probably right. It is most likely our fault that we are single! We should just buy a bunch of cats and give up because 21/31/41 is so old and awful and we are used up and wasted and no men will ever, ever want us like this. Haha, lol, j/k! (Another thing ladies do! Use silly text speak. Oh women!)

Anyway, we only make this point because you assuming that "...this is why you're single," is like us assuming that because you are short, you have a severe Napoleon complex. Or that because you shave your head, you are insecure about your baldness. Or because you're handsome, you're bad in bed. Or that because you drive that fancy car, you have an incredibly small penis.

Not so fun, is it?

3. We don't really appreciate when you preface something not-so-nice with "I'm sorry," and then say that not-so-nice thing anyway. You're not sorry. We suppose you think that sending us that type of message and prefacing it with "I'm sorry" will not only put us in our place, but will still make you seem like a gentleman.

Well, we're sorry...we are sorry we've been silent. We are sorry that we've been afraid to speak our minds because we don't want people to assume we are "bitches." We are sorry we've put up with bad dates with you where you insult our weight, talk about your past sexual conquests, or been generally unpleasant. We are sorry we have given up our power in the name of fitting a bunch of "shoulds". Don't worry, we definitely won't do it again.

We know it might be hard for you to wrap your heads (the one on top, not the one in your pants, ha ha! Oh penis jokes!) around this letter, mostly because we are ladies who are able to put a sentence or two together and we are not also barefoot and knocked up and serving our husbands (who are our keepers and figureheads and bosses) their daily Scotch while rubbing their sweaty, burden-laden backs, but we hope you never, ever make this mistake again. It is not your place to offer your critiques or negative opinions on our singlehood or relationships unless you otherwise know us or are asked for your opinion first. In fact, it's a downright douchebag thing to do.

Sigh. We know you think this letter proves your point. That's okay. We've decided we don't really want you to like us anyway.

Sincerely,

Us

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Had to get it out there. Now I feel better!