The Wonders of "Naked"

I believe I've talked a bit before about getting a lot of random readers who are looking for porn...naked redhead porn, that is, in all it's shapes and sizes.  Queries often involve redhead men, naked redhead feet, (oh, yes, feet), redhead women, married redheads, big beautiful redheads...all of it.

Until, the other day, when I discovered that someone had stumbled across my blog looking for:

GIGUNDOUS BOOBIES

I about fell out of my chair.  Not, "large breasts", or "big tits"...NO, just a ten year old's descriptive term for fun bags.  I might have cried a little bit, laughing so hard. 

In other news, today I was asked out by an eighty-two-year old man.  At first, I did not think to consider his offer, until he casually dropped that he is often paid over $350 an hour to do accounting consulting for the government.  At which point, I ignored the still, small voice that suggested that this old dude might be senile, and considered his request.

Until he told me I should go into country music, because "that's where all the money is."  Sigh.  All the good ones have something wrong with them...

GIGUNDOUS BOOBIES!

I Have Female Hysteria, Please Fix (Right There, Uh-huh, Oh Yeah)

Wooo! Hysteria!!I'm sure you've all heard at one time or another about the "disease" in the 1800's called "Female Hysteria" and the "cure" that doctor's used to mete out for this condition.

Meow-za.  1800's women had ALL the luck.

Anyway, I am feeling a "tendency to cause trouble" today.  Last night, I absolutely did not sleep well, and this morning, woke up all pissy because of this fact.  Not only this, I was mad because the bf had not only OBVIOUSLY slept more peacefully than I, but also HIT me during one of his deep sleep dreams. 

So, I was mad.  And I've sort of been cranky about it all day.  AND NOW, he won't text me back, and OBVIOUSLY, the only reason for this is because he is trying to rub it in about how his sleep is so much more awesome than mine.

Women are crazy.  I know this.  I am one.  Cure me...meow.

Everything But The...

Not only is "Everything But The..." one of my favorite Ben and Jerry's flavors, it is also the perfect description for some guys.  For instance, this guy came into my office today who was super hot.  Nice body, cute face, good handshake, and the perfect sprinkling of freckles across his nose.

And then he began to speak. 

Oh no, this one had Everything But The...BRAINS.Kelso had Everything But the Brains.

A few years ago, this guy would have seemed like paradise.  A nice little plaything for awhile, but you'd never get into anything serious enough to have to worry about the fact that he is nearing thirty and STILL GOES ON SPRING BREAK. 

Anyway, I think the dating game is often a series of "Everything But The's...".  Here are a few of mine:

• Everything But The Looks
• Everything But The Sense of Humor
• Everything But The Body
• Everything But The PART ABOUT NOT DOING COCAINE, YOU ASSHOLE
• Everything But The Sex
• Everything But The Part About Him Liking Me Back

What are some of your "Everything But The's..."?

Salt Gets Hip with Jesus

Real Christians Wear T-Shirts I know I usually write about all things dating and love and relationships on here, but this...this really irks me.  Some old guy is offended by salt being "Kosher" and wants to know "what the heck's the matter with Christian salt?"

Hoh boy.  Really?  Well, I am just going to assume that Salt Jesus didn't love the rest of the non-Kosher Salt out there enough to die for their all their little Salty sins.  I mean, one can only assume that would be why an inanimate object doesn't have its own personal stance on religion.

Friday Firsts: First Boyfriend

Friday Firsts: First Boyfriend

Read about Jillian's "first" over at And Other Times

My first boyfriend was the same dude who tried to erase my face during my first kiss.  I guess we dated about six or seven months...though "dating" is really sort of stretching it, since I was fourteen and not allowed to "date" so most of our time was spent together at church or school functions.  SUPER AWESOME.

I think the beginning of the end of our relationship--at least, for me--was the first "I love you".  I said it back when he said it to me because hey, that's what a boyfriend and girlfriend do, right?  I think I had about the same emotional reaction to his "I love you" as I did to the Umbros I was wearing at the time.  Actually, I might have a stronger reaction to the Umbros.  They were Aqua, and subsequently, AMAZING.   

I liked him...there was definitely that "like" or strong crush aspect going on, but "love?"  No.  I remember that I got more and more bored with him as time went on, while he got more and more sappy.  So, when I met a new guy at summer camp, I was like, "sweet", and immediately called my boyfriend and dumped him. 

Kids can be so cruel...

Apparently, I did not realize how "in love" with me he was, and he was CRUSHED (I have that affect on men, but mostly when I drop an anvil on their heads).  His sister, whom I had been great friends with before then, suddenly hated me, too.  It was totally weird...I remember being completely unemotional about the whole thing.  I guess things were awkward, as they are wont to be in an extremely small school environment, but, meh.  I have no sentimental attachment to him or that time in my life, so maybe that's atypical of this "first". 

Do you remember your first boyfriend?

Worst Kiss

Since it's sort of been the worst week ever, I thought I'd follow up on the buzz from last Friday's First:  First Kiss.  I give you...WORST Kiss (please share yours!). 

My worst kiss, EVER, was a few years ago from this guy I'd been casually dating because I was bored.  I feel it is important to say "I was bored" because I would have never dated him if I wasn't.  He was one of those guys that thought "High Fidelity"was literally the story of his life, so OBVIOUSLY he was super cool because he made Top Five lists for everything.  And then he would quiz me on them. 

For real.

Top Five favorite animals.  Top Five favorite movies.  And every last "five" were terrible choices.  Top animal, Kodiak Bear?  Seriously?  And then I had to remember, specifically, KODIAK bear?  Also, dude would NOT tell me what he did for a living or where he worked, because he "wanted to keep his work and personal life separate," and, "I don't even tell my dad where I work!"  Right.  Because that's what super cool non-pedophile people do.

Anyway. 

We'd been out on a few dates, two of which had already been awkward and horrible, and on one of which he'd said, when the check came, "Wanna go halvsies?"  So, finally--inexplicably!--it's our third date, I'm bored, a little tipsy, and I'd already had to name his Top Five favorite animals over beer (yet again), and be reminded YET AGAIN that his favorite movie of all time was "Scent of a Woman" and if I just watched it again, it would TOTALLY explain his personality (blind and suicidal?  What?)  We're out on this little back patio in the cold, when he grabs me with his giant man paws, half dips me, then SHOVES his entire tongue down my throat. 

Girls say that a lot, that some guy "shoved his tongue down my throat" but I think there's generally a bit of exaggeration in that statement.  How big are all these tongues, that they have the length and dexterity to actually block your wind hole?  (Yes, that's the technical term, "wind hole".)  I believe most girls mean that he actually just shoved his tongue in their mouth, and it was yucky.

But THIS guy, literally, shoved his tongue down my throat.  Like, I could not breathe for a few seconds.  It was like getting CPR, with a little extra "surprise".  I mean, I know your mouthal area gets a little moist when kissing, but I had an entire ring of spit left on my face when he decided to1940's Dude in Sailor Costume Tries to Resuscitate Nurse be done.  I couldn't go back into the bar looking like some sort of rabid, drooling beast, so I had to wipe my face with the back of my hand. 

So, so gross.  After that, I discovered he liked to do the random, "we're walking down a crowded street!  Wouldn't it be so romantic if I just up and kissed you?"  Except I'm sure the passers-by thought he was trying to suck out my soul through my face.

We didn't last too long after that.  Mostly because I came to my senses, and also because he gave me used presents for Christmas.  FOR REAL.

Yours?  I know you have one!!!

The Bachelor, aka "The Drama Queen": My Real Time After-Show Commentary

Dear lord, what a baby. 

Jason Mesnick ended up being the biggest tool in Bachelor history.  At least BRAD had the gall to tell BOTH women that he wasn't "in love" with either one.  As dramatic as that season ender was, at least it was honest.  Jason, though, not only proposed to a woman on TV, he BROKE UP with one...ON TV.  He's the freaking Jerry Springer of love.  And the closed studio?  Puh-leeze.  In television world, that means that he knew WAY BEFORE that he was gonna drop a deuce.  Sure, it's called "reality" TV, but producers plan ahead.  They ALWAYS plan ahead. 

What a douche.  Seriously.  There is nothing worse than a guy that can't be honest with himself, and then CRIES about it on TV. 

Oh no!!  Hahahaa...he just delivered the "it's not you, it's me" line.  AND SHE'S CALLING HIM OUT!!  Yes!  The girl has balls!  YES!  Standing ovation for her and her snotty, "mm-hmm's" and "you're such a bastard."  Good for you, girl. 

What a smarmy, smarmy douchebag.  He is doing the breaking up in the worst possible ways:

1.  "I'm sorry for everything"

2.  "It's not you, it's me"

3.  "I've grown as a person"

4.  ON TV.

And she did the best possible things as the dumpee:

1.  Called him out

2.  Told him "don't call me.  Seriously.  Leave me alone."

GOOD FOR YOU, MELISSA!!!  I really didn't like you throughout the show, but mad, mad props to you tonight. 

JASON, STOP CRYING, YOU TOOLBAG.

Oh, Internets, I Love You

Lotsa fun stuff happened on what we enlightened ones like to call the "internets" this past weekend.

An insightful post by Michael Ian Black on the offensiveness of comedy (commentary to follow shortly).

Beautiful book covers for book nerds to love and be nerdy over and nerdalize.

A poor, poor animal gets YouTubed for following the Call of the Wild.

People get in a hizzie over the Snuggie (seriously, who cares?).

Urban Outfitters has furniture?!?

Also, my older brother, who possibly would or would not acknowledge me in public, actually solicited my help today.  WHAT?  It's not as if we dislike each other--that's not the case at all--but we are definitely those type of siblings who just don't know each other very well.  Huh.  Stranger things have happened.   

Friday Firsts: First Kiss

Friday Firsts: First Kiss

Read about Jillian’s “first” over at And Other Times

To be fair, my very, very first kiss was from a boy named Brad Havens when I was four. We used to play “house” in the woods behind our homes. We would always kiss before he “went to work”, though these kisses were extremely chaste and unromantic. They were simply the perfunctory pecks of a traditional husband and wife relationship: he goes to work and hates his job, she tends the kids and cooks, then bitches about how he never meets her needs...

Also, he liked to "water the flowers"...by peeing on them. I remember this distinctly as being hilarious and good fun.

My first "romantic" kiss was when I was fourteen, and it was with my friend’s brother, who was sixteen...and it was HIS first kiss, too. They started this little tradition where he would invite his friend over, and she would invite me over, and then we'd would pair off, each couple on a couch, and watch cartoons until two in the morning. It started with just a little bit of cuddling, but then one night, his friend wasn’t there, and she went to bed, and we stayed up. I could tell, even then, that the poor boy had NO game but also that he wanted to kiss me. He warmed up by kissing me on the cheek a few times, sprinkled with a mis-aimed one on my ear (truly, this was not purposeful ear nibbling, but the loud smack of lips in the space where he thought my cheek might be and where my ear canal actually is).

FINALLY, he planted one on me, and it was, well...fine, I guess. No fireworks, no explosion of hormones. Neither of us really knew what we were doing, so it was somewhat chaste and exploratory. And then...THEN, he decided that he knew all about kissing from the movies. He puckered his lips stiffly, and then just started MOVING HIS ENTIRE HEAD around and around, like he was painting me with his lips, or perhaps trying to erase my face. It was completely and totally weird, and I know I should give him a pass for it being his first kiss and all...but no. Kissing was pretty much ruined for me for YEARS.  Seriously.  It was just a series of bad, bad kissers for a long time. 

But then I met my "kissing twin"...and THAT, my friends, is a whole 'nother story.  Another story that doesn't necessarily end well, but, oh, the memories of that kiss.  Meow-za.

When Old People Flirt, Does it Count as Flirting?

These are my grandparents who still sometimes make out in front of us.There was an article over on Smitten that talked about parents flirting.  My parents still flirt, but it is WEIRD in the truest sense of the word.  I've mentioned before that they do it an abnormal amount of time for people who have documented heart and back problems, but they do this odd out-of-the-bedroom foreplay that has greatly disturbed me for years.

Here's what'll happen...my dad will see my mom at the sink, he'll say, "Hey, Babeh," and sidle up behind her and begin MAULING her.  At which point, she begins giggling and yelling, "Get your hands off of me!  Hee hee hee!" at which point my dad will maul her even more, while she giggles more and squeals, "Get him off of me!  Oo!  He's so gross!  Ha ha!  You dirty old man!"

BARF.  Seriously.  Barf.

But then there's some days where I just can't tell if she means it or not.  And that's when it's really weird.  And I'm disturbed even writing about this now.  Bleh.

I will say one thing about my parents.  My dad.  Loves.  My.  Mom.  A lot.  He literally has not once bothered her about her weight, or her depression (that she insists she does not have), or the fact that she spends exhorbitant amounts of money on fabric.  So, I guess that's nice to see.  My mom...hm, well.  I dunno.  I suspect she and I are a lot alike in some ways in that we have difficulty saying exactly what we mean or feel.  We both can get very introverted and introspective and we don't always communicate things that should be communicated...which can get a girl into trouble, because suddenly she is crying about something her man did three months ago, and he's like, "Uhhhh..."

Anyway, just wanted to share some grossness about my 'rents.  Do your parents flirt?  What do you think about old people "getting physical?" 

By the way, my grandparents still make out.  For real.  And they call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy."  Kinky.