Tawkify Review

Who has two thumbs, signed up for a dating service she found in Smart Money Magazine, has a pretty damn good Klout score and also got stood up by said dating service?

THIS GUY!

Here's the story:

Last year I purchased a subscription to Smart Money magazine because I figured it'd be a lot like buying a gym membership December 31: surely, by this one move, I'd be motivated to be super awesome without any other commitments whatsoever.

Instead, they make a very pretty stack on an end table...

...except for the ONE I decided to crack open.

I had also been unceremoniously dumped not long before. Over the phone. At 7:30 in the morning. Huzzah!

So I was pretty interested that this issue mentioned Tawkify.com, a new dating service based on Klout score that uses old school techniques like phone calls to do all the dirty bidness (tagline: "Love at first phone call.")

"Hm," I thought, "I have a decent Klout score because of my unhealthy obsession with Twitter. I should totally try this out."

Also: "I am dumped, sad, and not getting laid. Let's do this thing."

(Sidebar: I did learn one thing from Smart Money...sign up for things that are free.)

Because of my Klout score, I qualified for an offer to receive three free matches. This seemed like a decent deal, plus, the site claims that real people--yes, actual human beings--read your profile and look at your picture and then those real human beings match you with another real human being who is presumably not a murderer and has the same unhealthy obsession to Twitter that you do.

Score!

So, I signed up.

And I waited. And waited. I thought at first maybe I had done something wrong, and maybe I needed to pay them money, but then I was like, "NO, they said it was FREE and I need to offset my Smart Money subscription by not spending any more money on other subscriptions that I don't really need." So I waited some more.

And finally, I received a lovely little email in my inbox that I was going to have a call! And wasn't I excited!??! 

And lo, I was.

The automated stuff on the site actually rocked...I not only received two emails:

I also received a text message and a voicemail, reminding me of my call. With Jeffrey. Who liked woodworking. And fiction. 

I put it in my calendar. Because I live and die by my calendar. Also, I put an exclamation point, because a) I am clearly a 12 year old girl and b) because I thought it seemed more exciting:

And then I waited. 

I had a cocktail (or two).

I actually, for some odd reason, looked at myself in the mirror for a brief second. You know, because I'm an idiot.

And I waited some more.

And soon it became abundantly clear that I had been stood up. By a dating service. That is automated.

But don't worry, they still pretended like I got my call by posting this to my dashboard:

That's right, I did not even get to decide whether I thought Jeffrey's love of woodworking was lovely, or that his taste in fiction was worse than mine.

Boo. And being judgmental is such fun, too.

PS--I actually really liked the concept of Tawkify. A friend and I have talked in depth about how people who are involved in Social Media on a daily basis, and often meet people offline from our online interactions, need to find someone else who, if not crazy active online, at least "gets it." Then here's some ridiculous website that's like, "Not only do we know that you get it, and want someone else who gets it, we get it too, and we are willing to hook you the fuck up." Seems pretty ideal, right?

Sadly, it appears that the best things in life are a) not free and b) not based on an arbitrary measure of influence.

Wamp, wamp.

Patience is a Virtue (that I want to punch in the face)

I don't think I'm a very patient person.

Sure, I was able to see my poor, screwed up dog through months of horrible separation anxiety when I first got him. 

And I've been known to force myself to read every line of a book without skipping to the end to peek at what happens. 

Also? I'll see your Three Day Rule and raise you Four, asshole.

But everything else?

A struggle. (I want to say, "a fucking struggle," but I think I might curse too much for a proper fucking lady. Plus, I already said "asshole." Dammit.)

For example, I do my best to eat heathily, but HATE waiting to cook a nice recipe. So I eat mostly salads. Every day. Twice a day.

I'm a "shove it all into the junk drawer" type to make the house look nice. 

I've got my workout routine, weights and all) down to about 45 minutes. I never work out for more than an hour. Ever. 

I have stopped doing any household projects that involve any sort of labor over a few hours. Why "measure once, cut twice" when I can just drill that sucker into the wall? NOW?

So, imagine how it feels to be in a position to desperately need to grow and learn and do some serious soul-work, and to know that there are things I simply just cannot have (either by choice or necessity) until the work is done, or at least well under way. 

That's why, as I learn about tapping into my Self, and becoming a more balanced, holistic person, that when it comes to the "Four Points of Balance," number four is the hardest.

I swear it says "points" and not "pants."

There are numerous times a day I want to chuck all the work I've done so far right out my super old, Depression Era windows and give in. Do something that will feel good right now, but will inevitably make me cry tomorrow. To compromise a bit and say, "I'll be able to handle it while I grow to be better." To go right against my gut and hope it all works out anyway.

Meaningful Endurance, though, is one of the most important pieces to the puzzle. It means that one must sit in a place that isn't all-too-comfortable and wait. And wait some more. And wait even a little longer.

It means I have to REALLY check in with what I'm feeling and experiencing in my own personal growth. To see if I'm "there" or not...and if not (which is kind of the norm these days) to keep forcing myself to stare down my own demons until they finally back away (as I have done from them for all these years).

I'm not saying i have it worse than anyone else. I don't...my problems, compared to most who have really gone through trauma, are really not that bad. But that doesn't mean that the work doesn't need to be done. That I don't have to take extra measures this time to get it right. 

And it certainly doesn't mean I can rush the process, in any way. 

Which, if you haven't guessed already, suuuuccckkkss. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go hide this stack of papers under this box so the house is clean.

(Oh, and PS, not to be all cryptic in this post about my problems and stuff...just working through some issues from the old divorce/conservative upbringing/other minor issues that I've never really dealt with before, and not ready to write in detail about yet. Someday soon, though, I'm sure you'll be treated to a messy soul puke post all about it. :))

I'm scared shitless, and here's why

Warning: soul puke ahead.

Dear Internet,

I'm scared shitless, and here's why. 

In the past few months, I've figured out that I want a relationship like my grandparents have. They've been married sixty-five years, and still hold hands while watching TV. They flirt with each other. Of course, they still pester and nag, and recent health issues with my grandfather ensures that both of them must struggle with patience and sadness and loss every day.

But they love each other, and have loved each other for two of my lifetimes. 

I never wanted that type of life-long relationship before. I always assumed that, to be a happy, single woman in my thirties, I must eschew these kinds of relationships. "They don't REALLY work!" "We're not designed to be monogamous!" "All you crazy sonsabitches are SETTLING."

Something happened in my last relationship, though. I don't know if it was the fact that we got along so well, or that we seemed to truly understand each other on so many levels, but it changed me. And even though it didn't end up working out in the long run, it was at least a glimpse of what could be. 

And I want it. I've gone all soft and shit and I want it. 

What. The Fuck.

However, now that I'm single again, I've been really, really struggling these last few weeks to deal with my emotions. Trying to figure out if I should online date again, or wait, or whatever. It's been challenging to re-find my footing and understand who I am and what I need next.

And I was making myself miserable. 

I was going crazy, getting really caught up in my "window" and my "timeline"...and I'm actually a little disappointed in myself for doing so. I was only trying to fix this feeling of unease around the fact that "Hey, ovaries have an expiration date!" that everything else important was being dropped on the floor like dirty laundry (which I need to pick up before my dog eats it. Disgusting beast.)

I don't want to just bide my time until the next Mr. Wonderful comes to sweep me off my feet, or until I'm "ready" to go actively looking for Mr. Wonderful. That seems really wasteful.

And also? Nobody wants to be dated because your body is like, "Put a baby in me!"

(That, folks, is a recipe for a stalker flick. Also, I'm pretty sure that's why no one believes that women in their thirties can be happy and single. Because they're all, "Nope, we can actually hear your biological clock ticking. And it sounds a little bit like a time bomb of desperation.")

It's really, really scary to just let it all go, to admit that maybe life won't turn out exactly like I hope or plan. That maybe I'll miss my "window," or that maybe I won't find anyone at all. It's a hard pill to swallow, but that's the reality of it all. I really could be single forever.

(This is why I believe that those who are happy in relationships--and truly happy--are the luckiest sons of bitches on this planet. It's a lucky, lucky thing to be two people who fit each other, get each other, and aren't just with each other because they're terrified of the alternative.)

And if that's the reality, then what can I do differently to really live my life to the fullest? To grow and heal and get stronger and leaner and more in tune with who I am and what I want? How can I take this time to be really, really selfish for myself and do all the things I wouldn't be able to do with a partner? To face down the things that haunt and scare me instead of hoping some dude can make me forget that I have an opportunity to do some serious soul-searching and personal evolution right now?

To be honest, I have two fears: that I'll end up mean and miserable and completely unlovable (we all know women like this. They are truly frightening), or so hungry for a man in my life that I deal with only getting the leftover scraps of someone. 

But both of those options are scarier to me than just being alone. I'd rather be single and happy than in either of those situations, so I have to find a way to make it all work. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet, but I'll figure it out. 

It's one of those scary-but-good times, I guess. 

Aaand, end soul puke. 

Photo Credit-Scared Girl

Photo Credit-Lonely Tree

"You're screwed up, I'm screwed up, but we're gonna be okay."

Recently, in honor of their 2012 Keyholder Event with special guest speaker Whoopi Goldberg (see below) , I was approached by The Women's Fund to write about the woman in my life who has had the most impact and what women and girls can do now to spark change in their community. Here's my take: 

Many women have made an impact on my life and each of these women are special. Some have made a profound mark on my writing; some showed me that women can have incredibly deep resources of love, strength and compassion; some were simply there for a moment in time, encouraging me when I needed it.

I could write paragraphs about each of these women, but I want to talk about just one today, because if I could be like anyone when I grow up (you know, when I stop being 21. Ahem), it'd be her. And, if there's one way to change a community, it'd be to embrace her life philosophy.

She was my boss one summer when I worked at a camp. We had met the summer before, and I knew her as a person that everyone looked up to and respected. So when I found out we'd be working together, I was excited to get to know her better.

Our weekly meetings often ran for hours as we talked and shared and (I) cried. We'd sometimes find ice cream on one of those ubiquitously sticky Florida summer evenings, and would sit on the hood of her car while we sorted through what it was to be both a woman and a leader. What it meant to be the kind of woman who is both unwaveringly compassionate, but firm. Someone who gives generously of herself, but doesn't budge on the things that matter. A strong woman who never feels the need to prove that she is strong, but simply embraces being.

I'll never forget when I asked her, at one point, how she did it.

"How I do what?" she said.

"How come, when I screw up, you never get angry with me? I've noticed you don't get upset with anyone, and sometimes people are really awful."

"Oh," she said, "that's because I fully expect you to screw up."

I stopped for a second. Weren't leaders supposed to expect the best from people? Wouldn't high expectations yield better results?

"OK. Explain?"

"You're human, I'm human. We are going to do very stupid and very bad things. It's in our nature. If I got angry every time someone disappointed me, or hurt me, or broke the rules, I'd be angry all the time. So, instead, I just expect it, and am very unsurprised when it happens.

The flip side is, I get to be really, really excited when you do something right."

I thought about it, and she was right. It's why I could come to her and tell her that I was crying over a boy (again) and not see her roll her eyes or feel like she wasn't listening, or get the sense that, "We're having THIS talk again?" 

She was a one-woman "No Judgement Zone" and it's the reason she'd earned everyone's respect, why people couldn't wait to be her friend, why so much of her time was spent listening to people as they poured their hearts out to the one person they knew would never say, "I told you so."

We've lost contact since that summer, but I think of her every time the conversation turns to inspirational women. She wasn't a high-powered success, or someone who overcame incredible odds...she was just a woman who understood that sometimes in life, when it comes to changing ourselves and our community, all we need is someone to listen, nod and say, "You're screwed up, I'm screwed up, but we're gonna be okay."

--

The Women’s Fund of Central Ohio is excited to welcome special guest Whoopi Goldberg to Nationwide Arena on Friday, June 29th for Keyholder 2012. The Women’s Fund’s annual Keyholder event is a preeminent gathering in the central Ohio area, attracting thousands of people to honor the women and girls who have made a significant impact in their lives. Tickets are on sale now for $50 each and all proceeds are used to provide grants that promise social change for women and girls. Call 614-225-9926 to purchase tickets or stop by http://womensfundcentralohio.org for more information. Connect with The Women’s Fund on Facebook and Twitter (@WomensFundCO).  

Photo Credit

30 Days to What, Now?

I have to say, I'm grateful I started 30 Days to Sanity when I did.

Because if I hadn't, I'm not sure what sort of means they'd use to sedate me and handcuff me to a hospital bed. Or, you know, whatever they do to people who just fucking lose it.

This month has been bittersweet, to say the least.

Sad Puppy

First, The Sweet

I was given some big challenges at work, and as of yesterday, saw some of the fruits of that labor. It was intense, and there was a good chance all along that I might fail, but being on the other side of it showed me that with the right amount of focus, hard work, creativity, and support from talented bosses and co-workers, cool things can happen. 

But it's been draining. Having a little system in place already that is helping me cut out digital clutter has been key. I seriously don't know how I'd be doing right now without 30 Days to Sanity. For realsies.

Second, The Bitter

I've also been going through some crazy upheaval in my personal life. This past week, in particular, has been an eye-opener...sometimes in a good way, sometimes bad. 

I've been having these bird's eye view flashes of myself (yeah, yeah, stick with me here).

Like, in the midst of brokenness, I can see who I am, all laid out like a map. The good parts, the bad parts, what I want to keep, to throw away. The moments I did something beautiful. The moments I made excuses and ignored the little signals that could have prompted a positive re-direct. 

But I guess that's what heartache is for. We can either wallow in the "bad feelings" part of it (which suck, to be sure) or use those feelings as a catalyst toward improvement and honest (and sometimes brutal) re-evaluation and re-prioritization.

Heartache is also a gentle nudge to get back to nowness. And again, while TOTALLY SUCKTASTIC, it can be a great way to appreciate minutia. Like, "I feel the tiniest bit better now than I did five minutes ago." Or, "OH GOD I WAS FINE WHY DID THAT PERSON HUG ME NOW I AM A SNOTTY SOBBING MESS IN PUBLIC."

All that to say, I'm here, but I'm also taking the time I need to accomplish what I need to professionally, emotionally, physically...all that good stuff.

I hope you are doing the same, though let's face it, we're all losing the tab battle, aren't we?

Photo Credit

#30DaystoSanity Days 2, 3, and 4 Re-Cap

Right, so, one of the things about re-prioritizing your digital life is that, you know, you re-prioritize.

You close your laptop or turn off your phone or you spend time with real people instead of profile pictures. These are all good, good things, I'm finding. WHO KNEW. (ahem, sarcasm)

I've worked hard to shut down and shut off these last few days. In the meantime, I've started on a pretty beefy short-term project for work. Making "work time, work time" means that my work time has extended hours for the next week or so, which, funnily enough, makes it a lot easier to follow some of the other Rules of the Challenge. 

For the past few days, when I needed a break or had a few extra minutes, I sat down at the piano (to learn some new jazz chords) or I went for a run (to pretend that ice cream I had didn't happen), rather than check Twitter or race through my Google Reader. I'm still going through withdrawal a bit and feel somewhat "out of the loop" but it doesn't feel too much like a loss, which is totally fine with me. 

(On the other hand, I'm TOTALLY losing the Tab Battle. I mean, complete failure every day on that front. If I could somehow receive a worse grade than F, it'd be here.)

Otherwise, I'm hunkering down on work stuff, but making time for creativity and physical activity. And despite the fact that I'll be working most of the weekend, I don't feel as crazy as I normally would about it all. YAY!

ACTUALLY, I'm coming to realize that my overall insanity over digital stuff is--GASP--probably just me. It's not simply that the world is moving faster, it's the INSANE FACT that I would even attempt to keep up, or feel inadequate for not keeping up, or feel less successful somehow because I didn't Tweet 20 random articles in day.

So fine, Internet. It's not you, it's me.

We'll call it progress. 

#30DaystoSanity Day 1 Re-Cap and Gift for You!

We have arrived at the start of our challenge! And while I can't say that Day One of 30 Days to Sanity was a complete success (I currently have 10 tabs open. Oops. It's for post-writing! I swear!), I at least took the opportunity to slow down, catch myself when I was multi-tasking, and do one thing at a time.

Here's how I did:

+No multi-tasking, check (texting and driving doesn't count! Haha, I kid).

+Do something creative, sort of check (I didn't do it away from the computer).

+Read only five websites/posts, check (I only read three! Ish! Yippee!)

+Keep Work Time, Work Time, check (I did spend six hours of my day in the car today, so that kind of helped with the old "shut off.")

+Try new things...well, not here yet, but soon.

All-in-all, if I had to give myself a score, it'd be a C, which isn't terrible for the first day, right? RIGHT?!?!

Before I head off to do fun, relaxing things, like NOT READ THE INTERNET, I'd like to share the dose of creativity I had today. It was inspired by my hair this morning, which was mildly inspired by something on Pinterest. I was hoping for beautiful curls, and instead ended up looking like this guy:

So I was inspired to make this. I feel like it needs to be on a t-shirt:

It is my gift to you. I know you shall love it.

What about you? I saw some Tweets about progress (lots of open tabs. I know your pain), techniques (did I see a Toggl mention!?), and progress. I would love to hear more! 

Comment below, or Tweet me!

Brief Announcement: In Case You Were Wondering, I'm not Danielle LaPorte

***BREAKING NEWS TO SELF: Google stuff before you "start something" you think is cool, Self!***

I quite literally JUST discovered that someone way more famous than I is also doing some 30 Days to Whatnot thing, and a few people are getting the hashtags mixed up.

HAHAHAHA...FUCK.

So I would just like to take this little moment to tell you, Internet, that I had no idea that Danielle LaPorte was doing her 30 Day challenge thingy on the friggin' Huffington Post. Any resemblance to #30daystosanity is purely coincidental, because I don't read her stuff or follow her anywhere, nor does she read mine. I'm sure she is quite lovely, and I bet she is just wonderful and I'm PRETTY SURE she'd say the same about me (snort), but yeah. Just a mix up.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming, I guess?

The First Day of the Rest of My Life...Begins Tomorrow

When it comes to starting the 30 Day Sanity Challenge tomorrow, I am both pumped and slightly terrified.

While I think most people perceive me as pretty easy-going (I'm not going to fight you over which restaurant we go to, and if you'd rather we go solo or with a group of friends, no big deal to me), I'm finding that on the inside? I don't deal as well with change as I'd like.

Which means, I'm totally like a cat after a big move. I'll act kind of normal and cuddly and sweet on the outside, but in the meantime I'm peeing on your bed. 

So when I look at my Google Reader, and it looks like this...

...and I know tomorrow that I've gotta cut to much, much less than that (what's 1,000+ minus five?), it's hard to make complete sense of.

The sucky thing is, I work at being self-aware enough to understand that I'm less afraid of the external change of routine, and much, much more nervous about what sort of whatnot re-focusing my mind and throwing out digital clutter will dredge up.

Because I know that I'm much more tied to the frenzy than I'd like...frenzy, in fact, allows me to avoid a whole-shit ton of accountability and responsibility with the things that really matter.

Of course, you all get to come along for that ride as I soul-puke it here. Let the meltdown begin. :)

Anyway, enjoy your last few hours of willy-nilly clicking around, tab opening, and generally feeling frazzled. If you're like me, you're on a binge like it's December 31, and you resolved to lose one hundred pounds starting January 1.

See you tomorrow! #30DaystoSanity

So, You're In...Now What

One of the reasons I like the Internet is because, no matter what you're going through, you're bound to find people who are going through the same thing.

Enter, #30DaystoSanity. And lo, a bunch o' yous are like, "Um, word, me too and stuff."

Well, some of your responses were more accurately...

And some of you were more like, "Yay, group challenge!" (which is awesome)...

And some of you were...well, you'll see...

And still others were like, "30 days!?! NOT LONG ENOUGH."

To which, of course, the only response is...

Anyway, all that to say, thanks to all of you who responded here, on Twitter and elsewhere. I think we're going have a great time. A really tough, challenging time, but great, nonetheless. :)

Just a few more days!