Today I shared this article and quote on both Pinterest and Twitter because I am a multi-tasker, obvs.
But I also share it because it kind of floors me, and I love it.
I think it's especially applicable to our relationships. One day, with practice, we can learn to automatically just be ourselves and be vulnerable in our "selfness" without worry and without reservation.
I'm working on a little something for you all that I hope you'll like.
It's basically an e-book chronicling my journey over the last few months as I've dealt with this last breakup.
HUZZAH! You get to either vicariously live through me, or get to be a voyeur to my crazy. Either way, win for you!
This experience has been somewhat profound for me because it just so happened to dredge up a lot of shit I hadn't dealt with in my life in a way that other experiences haven't.
And, as is wont to happen, because life is an ugly, ugly bitch sometimes, when you don't deal with stuff, it'll tend to smack you right in the old kisser, all at once.
My hope is that you'll be able to read through my progression (and dear god, I really hope it's been a progression) in the last few months and maybe laugh, cry, or simply identify with my struggle. I think a lot of us when we go through stuff like this, hit some pretty rough, dark periods, but often either a) don't talk about it at the time or b) minimize it by simply calling it a "rough, dark period."
When, in reality, we kind of spastically take a journey through some of our most nuanced emotions.
And fortunately (or unfortunately) for you, I've journaled my way through it. Don't worry, I'll edit out the tear stains.
I hope I'll be able to get some real, actionable stuff down for you all. I hope that being on this side of things (the dumped) will help me be a much better dumper in the future.
(PS--Dumpers, please quit being so fucking "gentle", and cut the shit with the "maybe's." Kthxbai.)
I guess that's always been my thing: there's no sense in me going through all of this craziness without it at least benefiting, helping or comforting someone else.
Because that's the one thing that can truly keep us all going: we gotta know that we're not alone in this shit.
So yeah, I don't have an exact publish date yet (hoping for end of September), but I've got a working title: "How to be Dumped: One Woman's Journey through a Break Up, feat. the F-bomb, Whiskey, Questionable Decisions, and One Neck-Licking Romanian."
Or something.
If you've been around TNR for a while, you know I am pretty much not the biggest fan of organized religion.
I grew up in the church. As a daughter of a Baptist minister, I was in church literally every time the doors were open to the public, and sometimes more often. My brother and I would get paid a few dollars on the weekends to fold bulletins and clean pews, and I know what it's like to army crawl from the back of a sanctuary to the front under said pews, to play in an empty baptismal and to make copies of my butt on the church Xerox machine.
My complete break with religion came after my divorce (though I had steadily been pulling away for a few years before). I just couldn't reconcile the fact that the people who sat in church every week learning about love would so completely shut me out when I needed love most.
(Though, in hindsight, I'm sure judgment went both ways. They judged me for my decision, and I judged some of them often long before they had a chance to react.)
Either way, I haven't dragged myself out of bed on a Sunday morning for anything other than brunch in nearly ten years.
In fact, though I respect a person's right to embrace faith and find comfort in a higher power, I once told my brother--who is a church-going, born-again, "I don't have a religion, I have a relationship" type--that the feeling he'd get walking into a whorehouse is the same feeling I get walking into church.
I mean, assuming that he'd feel totally uncomfortable and awful and wrong walking into a whorehouse. If he'd be all like "YAY!" I'm using a terrible analogy. Sorry.
The last couple of years, however, I found myself missing pieces and parts of church. I missed the weekly "check-in" with myself. I missed seeing familiar faces and watching people grow and change over the years. I missed, really, the community aspect of a church body. I mean, I have friends, but there's something about sitting comfortably with a bunch of people you wouldn't normally hang out with on a Sunday for one purpose.
Then I was talking to a friend about this same issue. She mentioned that she wasn't raised very religiously (she was literally given the choice between marching band or church. She chose marching band), but after a bad break-up a few years ago, found herself somewhat regularly attending one of those mega-churches in town. She said that church for her then satisfied the same things I felt like I was missing: a chance to "check-in" away from the chaos of her life, and to sit with a bunch of people who were doing the same thing.
And, boom...I realized that this summer I had been recreating a church experience of my own on Sunday mornings.
Every Sunday morning, I attend a 9:30 yoga class. My instructor is awesome. She encourages us to push ourselves, but to always take our practice at our own pace. She helps adjust and correct where needed, and always knows when a student is comparing his or herself to someone else...and puts the smackdown on that shit.
Each week, I see familiar faces, and we smile at each other and then begin to breathe and "check-in" with ourselves. We are a small group of people, meeting for the same purpose, heading toward a mutual goal.
After class, I head to one of my favorite breakfast spots alone. I get coffee and a meal, and I sit for an hour or two while I read and relax and my city swirls around me. I am sweaty and gross and happy. It is good to leave the chaos and brokenness of my heart and mind behind for a few hours and re-calibrate.
This routine is my church. To me, it is a spiritual and fulfilling process. I never thought I'd go back, but here I am anyway.
It's good.
You know how you like it, and missed it, and what not. This is kind of how I feel about it on the inside:
Here we go!
First up, I am very, very sad this work by a local artist Daric Gill is sold out. :(
DA LINKZ
Uh, 'scuse? In lady news, Yes, you can do yoga on your period.
Le sigh, my heart. Loving someone who doesn't love you back.
PAH!! Teens blowing each other much less than we feared. Wamp, wamp.
Uh-oh. My partner won't set boundaries with his horrible family. Well...problem.
Oh. OK. Every man you work with thinks you want to sleep with him. Awkward.
Hilairous: Charles Darwin's list of the pros and cons of marriage.
Pros: "Children –(if it Please God) — Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one, — object to be beloved & played with. — –better than a dog anyhow. — Home, & someone to take care of house — Charms of music & female chit-chat. — These things good for one’s health. — but terrible loss of time. –"
This article is actually great advice on not being perfect.
One blogger's take on scheduling sex.
For those of you divorced with kids, here's a little hope for your co-parenting relationship.
Understand the sentiment, not sure most could do it: Break-up happily ever after with a break-up party.
I actually did not expect this result: Does co-habitating before marriage increase your risk for divorce?
Jenna Marbles on Things Boys Don't Understand, Part One:
And Part Two:
And a little music for your listening pleasure (Home's Not Places, It is Love):
It's Friday! Get yo' freak on! Safely!
I really loved Isis' spirit and approach to our Tarot session, so I couldn't resist asking her a few questions. If you've ever done Tarot or are interested in it, here's a few takeaway's from the lady herself!
How did you discover the Tarot?
I have a feeling that I was interested in the Tarot long before I ever bought a deck! My first was a Universal Mini tarot and I found it in a tiny, witchy faerie shop in Newburyport, Massachusetts. Pretty fitting that I chose to pick up this deck when I was getting ready to start at a new school after being homeschooled my whole life! Even though I was fascinated by the cards & got a book to help me decipher the images when I read, I was also pretty freaked out by the "Death" and "Devil" cards. Growing up with a conservative dad in a Russian Orthodox household is not exactly conducive to a tarot-positive environment!
You mentioned to me that Tarot was a "guiding light" when you were getting divorced. How so?
Fast forward about 6 years. I had eloped with a guy I met halfway through college and after we graduated, he convinced me to apply to graduate school in his hometown so that we could live with his parents to save money. Things got really, really shitty in a hurry: I had fallen away from Orthodoxy partly because of my marriage to him, so I had no priest for spiritual guidance; I was hundreds of miles from my family, my own hometown of Boston, and all of my friends, so I got no hugs; worst of all, we had gotten a puppy who had become the light of my life and I was having vicious daily fights with my in-laws about her, while X refused to get involved, let alone take my side, so the one person I was supposed to be able to count on was turning on me.
I was completely, utterly, desolately alone and miserable.
Then! Sarah Von of Yes & Yes fame posted her monthly Network of Nice hookup offers, and this one young lady was offering tarot readings. Though her reading was helpful, I honestly cannot remember a single thing she told me - except that it made me remember my little pack of tarot cards, lost & packed away somewhere in that godforsaken house. The next day I got my ass over to Barnes & Noble, picked myself out a pretty new deck, and came home to read about my relationship.
Honestly, what the Tarot made me do was examine my marriage very very closely. One of the things I learned this second time around with the Tarot was that it is extremely individual; what works for one person may not work for another.
The Tarot served as a cross between a therapist, a spiritual counselor, and a truly close friend who had the balls to tell me the truth in answer to every question that I asked her. No friend wants to be remembered as the one who said, "You need this guy out of your life yesterday" when you've gotten back together with the guy and think you're happy, you know?
Why/when did you decide to start a business doing Tarot?
Two weeks ago, because I was sick of bartending! :) I have my Master's in Education, but the experience of student teaching really thoroughly burned me out and I couldn't see myself spending another six years in school and accumulating a hundred thousand dollars in overall student debt.
I still wanted to teach, though, and felt that the time I spent in front of the classroom was extremely rewarding - even if nothing else about it was. Ultimately, I wanted a career that would be both rewarding and ridiculously fun, that would combine something I was good at with something I loved doing - and then I kind of went, uhhh, why am I not teaching people how to read the tarot?
I freely admit that I don't have the thirty years' experience that Mary K. Greer, or Bonnie Cehovet, or Monte Farber, or any number of tarot bigwigs you want to name have got. I don't even have thirty years' experience of life! But I know that I am a stellar teacher, and a not-un-talented tarot reader, and I know that among the 7 billion people on this planet, there's gotta be some people who wished like I did that there was someone who would teach them to read the tarot. And for them, I'm a hell of a lot more accessible than the bigwigs (and possibly more fun!).
What sort of advice would you recommend for people getting divorced or going through a break-up?
Find someone whom you can confide in consistently. I know it sucks and you feel bad about treating a friend like a therapist, but if you have one friend (or therapist!) who knows the deep, dark details & dirt, it’s a lot easier to cope.
Take a break from the breakup. Find something new to do that is totally unrelated to your ex or anything reminding you of them. I started driving home to Boston to visit my family every other weekend after X and I split up, and it was such a freeing experience - not to mention, I felt like I was living my own life as I wanted to live it because X had actively discouraged me from driving by myself, let alone going to visit my family.
Take dating at your own pace – or rather, Do exactly what is right for you, and do not give a rat’s ass about what other people think.
How do you think Tarot can help people in relationships? People who are single?
First of all, I implore you - DO NOT ask the Tarot whether the person you're with is right for you. Or at least, don't ask for shits and giggles. Don't do it unless you're in a place where you really want to know the answer to that question. Think about it - what happens if the cards say no, s/he is not "the one"? Do you disregard the answer because you don't want to hear it? Do you take it seriously and dump your lover immediately? On the other hand, what happens if the cards say yes? You wouldn't be asking unless you had an instinct that something wasn't quite right - so do you stick with them even though you feel like you could be happier? Or do you ignore the cards' advice and leave?
This is not in the least to say that the Tarot isn't useful for people in relationships. It's just a bit of a disclaimer - not to mention, yes/no questions are notoriously tricky to answer with the cards.
Any last words of wisdom?
Don’t be scared of the Tarot. So often when I finish a reading for someone, they say, “Honestly, I kinda knew this already – but I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself.” That’s the key to the Tarot – it tells you the brutal, honest truth. And how better to become the best version of you than to refuse to shrink from the truth – about yourself, your relationships, and the world around you?
Thank you, Isis! You all should check 'er out online and sign up for a reading. She rocks!
I mentioned yesterday that I had a Tarot reading recently, and that it was one of the most comforting and hopeful things I've done in a long time.
Here's the thing about Tarot--and this will likely piss some people off--I felt the same comfort from Tarot that a lot of the people I grew up with find in reading the Bible. I think the parallels are interesting, and it's why I have no problem with Tarot as a source of inspiration, healing and guidance for people.
Anyway, I thought I'd share my 5 card Tarot spread from Isis as a way to kind of give you a little context about my life these days, and some of the steps I've been taking to, you know, not throw myself off a bridge.
First, here are a few things Isis made clear before we got started:
"Humans are complicated. We have relationships. We have emotions. Shit happens. Every decision you make affects not only you, but the people around you, and the ripple effect of free will ensures that no one choice will lead linearly to one specific outcome, no matter how many times you watch Back to the Future.
"The point is to to understand the choices we have before us. It's a clarifying tool for accessing our intuitive sense of what can be."
The Tarot is not a "tool of the Devil" (or any other variety of related statement)
"If you believe that the tarot’s messages come from the devil or are evil in some way, then you should just admit that you think the human spirit is fundamentally evil (not lit with a divine spark from God or whatever you believe in), because the tarot is simply a vehicle for the intuition to speak without fear of reprisal from the superego/conscious mind."
Isis is 25, totally sane, and has no cats, just a French bulldog, though she refuses to deny the jewelry or the occasional headscarf. ;)
OK, without further ado, here was my spread:
I could get into pretty detailed explanations about each card, but a) I'd be bad at it (Isis is the expert, not me!) and b) I mostly just want to talk about The Star and The Ace of Wands because those are the ones I got teary over (I know, I'm a mess).
It's been a rough couple of months...and the work ain't pretty. There are a lot of tears, some sleepless nights, re-lapses into old behaviors followed by self-flagellation...all the super fun stuff that comes from renewal and rebuilding. Huzzah!
And it's all accompanied by efforts to stay present, not dull the process with distraction (actively dating, an overly packed social calendar) or preferred methods of desensitization (food, alcohol, hours of television).
I'm learning to be kinder to myself, more patient. And I learned that my old methods for self-improvement, like reading, talking, thinking and journaling--which are all fantastic things!--were only getting me so far along in the process.
I needed help.
In an effort to eek out better results, I've been incorporating "alternative" therapies into my life.
I know. I'm becoming a damn hippie. I promise to keep shaving my armpits! Maybe!
Anyway, here are a few of the things I've been trying and getting good results from:
Yoga
Not only do I love the physical results of regular yoga practice, I love that it's my one hour every day that I get to be truly present. My mind shuts down (finally) and I just move and breathe.
The first few times I really connected with yoga--like, the point where I finally understood how to connect the breath to the movement--I broke down bawling in class. It think it was my body's way of cleansing itself from the emotional toxins and stress. And each time I was like, "Holy shit...I was THAT stressed out and anxious?!?"
Yes, yes you were.
Don't worry, though, yoga hasn't caused me to stop talking to myself. Phew!
Experiential learning and hypnotherapy
Let this be a lesson to you all: if you Google, on a whim, "therapy for shame and depression issues related to an authoritarian upbringing" and you get an ACTUAL, GOOD RESULT from, like, a trained individual, you should probably at least have one session with that person, even if you think his approach is totally fucking weird.
My first visit with this therapist, I was notably anxious and skeptical. But by the end of the session, I was like, "Huh, well...it's worth a try!" We focus on relaxation techniques and creating my own sense of safety, peace and security, even within or while talking or thinking about things that would typically set me on edge.
I'm learning that I am absolutely in control of my own experience. I'm learning to face emotions head on, and to deal with and experience them in the moment. And I'm learning, especially, that I don't have to be a victim of my circumstances.
Tarot
Tarot was kind of an accident. Well, not, like, "Oh, so sorry I hit you with my car, Tarot!" but more like, I'd never considered Tarot as something that could provide hope and healing for me until I just happened to see an offer for a free session in Sarah's Network of Nice.
And, badda boom, badda bing, a few days later I was Skyping with Isis, and she was showing me, card by card, the beauty, hope and healing present throughout all the mess I've been slogging through. Totally unexpected, but awesome (and more to come on this front, including the cards I pulled, and an interview with Isis).
I guess on top of all this whatnot, I've been focusing on the food I put in my body and the way I get my body to move. I've been focusing on performance, getting stronger, and demanding that my body not only do the things it was capable of in high school, but maybe exceed them, as well. Again, it's good to just focus on something for an hour besides my brain's constant need to analyze through every detail of my life.
So! What do you do when you're in the midst of life change? Any other "alternative" suggestions? "Regular" suggestions? Ponies?
Happy Cup Photo Credit | Yoga Photo Credit | Beach Photo Credit | Tarot Photo Credit
If you bury or drown things in your life long enough, they'll eventually come bubbling back to the surface, probably right around the time you're hoping your past won't screw with your present.
Just this time, they'll have decayed and poisoned and filtered into parts of your life you never thought possible.
I'm in the midst of dealing with this "bubbling." I can't help but picture myself as a pool of black goo these days, with various flotsam and jetsam slowly surfacing, dead and gunky and just begging to be cleared out.
It's scary, because part of the process is labeling and codifying these things or events. Sometimes when they resurface, you realize you never properly called it what it was when it happened, or maybe before you blamed yourself for those things happening to you.
When you start to categorize, you can even find that the problems are bigger than you imagined, far more consequential to your life. Many instances where you freaked out or acted a certain way begin to make sense, and while the process of cleaning out the muck is painful, at least you have an answer and can begin taking steps to truly releasing these things from your life.
If you label it properly, give it a name, you can start to heal and deal and move on.
And yes, I know I'm being Captain Vague Blogger today. I have more to write about, and have a renewed commitment to writing regularly on this blog after losing myself for awhile (funny how pushing out the creative things in your life and "losing yourself" seem to go hand in hand).
This little corner of the Internet is good for my soul, and you know I always appreciate that you're along for the ride.
Yet another review for your reading pleasure. Probably NSFW. Click through to read more!
Y'all? You're just good people.
The support I've received from those of you who have read this and this is just peachy, and needed, and calming and wonderful.
So I thought I'd give you an update...
...I'm totes doing better. I think I just needed to admit that I was a total fucking mess for a minute there to start turning around. To soul puke all the scary stuff and my pissy-ness and whatnot.
It also helps that I finally finished "Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life" (aff), which is, hands down THE BEST book on dating I've ever read. Nothing like a feminist pep talk to help you be all like, "Oh, right. I'm actually okay. Or getting okay. And either way, I'm not less of an individual because I don't happen to be in a relationship."
All stuff I knew, of course, and have waxed eloquent on before. I just needed a gentle reminder. And space. And a chance to think and breathe and angrily lift heavy things.
So friends, I am happy to report that I'm on the upswing. Because, you know, that's what time does. Time and friends and a simple desire to be better, to feel better, and take actionable steps to make that happen.
Last night, in fact, was one of the first I've had in a long time where sitting on my couch--with my dogs snoring softly on the floor next to me--while catching up on my Google Reader and listening to my Julie London Pandora station is just the thing I needed.
In fact, I knew, with certainty, that I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else.
And that's all any of us can ask for, right? To see ourselves as we really are in the moment and to have the clarity, peace and courage to say, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
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