Your Opinion Matters (OR DOES IT!?) (Addendum: It does)

We interrupt this regularly scheduled Linkapalooza to shamelessly flatter you (and then ask for your help).

You all are smart people, right? (YES, YOU ARE!) And you like to give your opinions? (YES, YOU DO!)

As you know, I'm writing a lil book for you all, but I'd love to make sure that it is as specific to your preferences as possible. 

So if you have a minute, would you mind taking the short, 5 question, 90 second (or less!) survey below? 

After you do, type the secret phrase from the end of the survey into the comments and I'll enter you into a giveaway for both a $25 Amazon gift card AND a free How to be Dumped book.

To sum:

• Take the survey below. (It's also here if you're unable to see it.) It will literally take you less than 90 seconds. The heavens will open with song.
• Enter the secret phrase from the end of the survey into the comments on this post (no cheating!)
• The survey will close this Tuesday, 9/11 at noon EST.
• In the meantime, wait on pins and needles (or something more comfortable) to see if you might win a $25 Amazon gift card AND a your very own How to be Dumped book when it's published. I'll use random.org to choose a winner bright and early Wednesday morning.
• Eat ice cream. Because it is delicious.

Aaaand, go!

UPDATE: The survey is now closed.

Oh Hey, that's Me! Interview in Columbus Alive

Photo by Tessa BergColumbus Alive was gracious enough to do an interview of me for their weekly Q & A. 

I talked TNR, writing, and how we're all emotionally complex creatures.

I would also like to say, for the record, that I don't think that all men who look for porn and find my site are pervs. I often drop "perv" as a modifier because, if you've ever seen me talk, this is how I roll. I say "dudes," and "ladies" and "pervs" a lot. Because that is what we are. Also, we're all just a titch deviant every now and again.

Continue looking for porn, dudes. Also, ladies. Continue to read my blog, no matter how you found it. You'll get no push back from me.

Head over to read to Columbus Alive online to read!

Your Help Needed: Break-up Advice

After a soggy, snotty summer, it's looking like fall might be...drier. 

It's becoming less and less strange to hear myself genuinely laughing again at random things. I'm not surprised when I have a good week. I have fewer moments of HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M SINGLE IN MY THIRTIES AND MY OVARIES ARE PUTTING UP GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SIGNS...START LOOTING NOW (hey-o!)

Also, I'm remembering what it's like to enjoy my own company.

(Always a bonus when you work from home and spend the majority of your time, you know, talking to yourself. Or to your dogs. I'm not entirely picky with whom I have imaginary conversations.)

The people who have supported me during this time are pretty much The Awesome, and were chock full of understanding, lots of listening, and a whole bunch-o' patience for when I wanted to talk about all this shit...again.

Here are some of the pieces of wisdom they dropped that are amaze-balls:

"Successful relationships don't have to be forever relationships. They just need to do the job they were intended to do."

***

"Pour yourself a shot of Jameson and listen to some Kelly Clarkson."

***

Me: It'll be two weeks [since the breakup] on Monday. I'm thinking 5 more to go until I'm back to normal. Isn't that the saying? It takes as many weeks as months you were together to get over a break up? So, seven months, seven weeks. Or something like that.
K:  I thought that was years...one month for every year
I can't do fractions...
you were together 8 months?
8/12 reduced to 2/3, together 2/3 of a year, carry the one...I have no idea
Me: haha, math is gross
K: but seriously, take as long as you need...there is no math really, just moments of clarity 

***

Me: dealing with [the breakup] has been super fun. Going through all the phases of grief and whatnot, still sometimes hoping stupidly he'll realize the error of his ways and come back, which is dumb
L: No it's not dumb.
Well I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that.
Me: but I'm also not ready to go get a distraction, either, or have a rebound fling, so that means I just have to DEAL with it, which is mostly just me feeling sad all the time
L: I mean... there are worse things than dealing with your emotions. ;)
So I've heard.
Like sometimes just be sad.
Me: haha
L: I think it's probably better to deal with it now than to distract yourself or suppress it and have it manifest times a million later.

OK, now your turn!

I would love to hear any pieces advice that have helpd you during a break-up, divorce or end of a relationship. Good ones will warm my soul. Really excellent ones will end up in How to be Dumped (which you should also Like on Facebook!). 

Aaaand, go!

Cat Advice Photo

Linkapalooza: Side Crow, Puppies and "I love you" in the midst of a fight

So, I did side crow for the first time in yoga this week. Still working on that whole, "You shouldn't look like you're in horrific pain" thing with my face. But otherwise, am pretty pumped that I did it!

Oh, and here are some cute puppies. This is what happened when I couldn't figure out how to style my non-working fireplace, and threw the dogs' bed in there, just for funsies. 

Both photos originally uploaded to Instagram...where you can, you know, like, follow me and stuff.

Anyway, on to the linkseseses!!

Being raised the way I was to believe that men are basically hormone crazed Neanderthals who can't possibly control themselves in front of a woman unless she is being "modest"--thereby, by her looks and demureness, effectively helping him shut down his rather uncontrollable penis and sexual urges that only wanted to take advantage of me, this article about the myth of the boner werewolf was just...yeah. Thank you.

I kind of tend to agree. Sometimes nice is completely useless.

We all have experienced the need for advice on this: how to exit gracefully from conversations.

Well, not a bad start, Montana.

What Patti Stanger has learned about love.

Our third anniversary. Wow. Not sure I could remember to say this in a moment like that.

Hahaha, good god. The fart that (almost) altered my destiny.

This. Yes.

There’s this underlying fear that if we start seeing people move away from us, then we’re going to lose a lot of love, friendship, camaraderie, etc., and there won’t be anything to replace it. We fear that if we lose the status quo, our lives will get worse.

When someone determines they are no longer a match for you, it’s not a personal rejection. They’re simply declining to join you in co-creating what you desire. But someone else will be delighted to co-create that with you.

You've probably already seen this video. But if not, no worries. Yes, there is a vaginal "re-tightening" cream, and these crazy motherfuckers are singing about it like it's the Sound of Music.

This...is half funny, half disturbing. (Trigger warning for suggested rape and violence.)

Happy LOOONNNGGG weekend!! Muah!

Three Musings on Divorce

Lately, I've been getting a lot of emails, Facebook messages and backlinks to my writing on divorce and I have a few things to say.

First, thank you.

The reason I wrote about divorce in the first place was because I felt like if I could wring some positivity out of a pretty shitty experience, that'd be cool. So, thank you to everyone who has shared my stuff, or has sent me a note to say that it's helpful, 'cause that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Second, I'm getting far enough out from my divorce now that I've almost (almost) forgetten that I was married.

I mean, I know I was. I know that I am a "woman with a past" and there were a few years there that the thought of marriage as an institution kind of sickened me. 

But now that it seems like that option might be feasible again. 

Not, like, this instant, you know, with not having a significant other and all. But like, POTENTIALLY. In the future. With a person. Who would also maybe like to consider that with me.

All that to say, for those of you who have been divorced or are going through a divorce, if you're willing to dig deep and do the work you need to do, your divorce can be an instrument to shape you into the kind of person who wants to do it all again. Crazy times.

Third, this is weird to admit, but...I am glad I went through all of that.

I'm glad I had the courage to leave, even when I knew shit would hit the fan with my family (and it did).

I'm glad I had the courage to be kind to my ex, even when we really, really didn't like each other for awhile.

I'm glad I got a crash course in what it means to grieve and be raw and broken and to feel, and then to channel all that energy creatively.

I'm glad I learned that you can rebuild a family with people who are not your blood relatives.

And I'm glad that I got to see some of the best in myself, my ex, and some of our friends who didn't choose sides, but loved us both through that time. 

Anyway, you all will be okay. You will survive. You'll get to the point where you're healed and the scars aren't quite so noticable and you don't want to vomit at the thought of doing it all over.

And one day, you'll breathe sweetly and easily again. Promise.

divorce photo

Online Dating Tips for Dudes: 4 Ways to Improve your Online Dating Profile

Oh look, I made a video...where apparently I am completely cross-eyed in the main still. THANK YOU, YOUTUBE.

Enjoy!

Dating is Nice Again with CBS's "3"

While you all are on a disgusting emotional hangover from Bachelor Pad last night (if you watch that sort of thing...which I can't stop doing because I have the brain damage), I have good news!

CBS, the network for super old people, has been quietly airing a not-awful dating show online called "3". 

Yes. The number 3. Which, as we all know, is super easy to search on the Internet.

Anyway, the show focuses on three (3!) women who are dating a bunch of dudes in order to find a potential mate. So not too terribly different than other dating shows. But! The difference between this show and other dating shows is that the women--gasp!--actually support one another on their journey.

WUT.

Yes, they're all dating multiple men (because there are more than enough to go around! Imagine!), and then checking in with each other as they go through the process together. No competition. Just treating other women as friends in this little thing we call "life."

I mean, when was the last time you watched a dating show and realized you had a huge grin on your face because it was so NICE!??! There is no douchiness, and if there is, the women kindly help each other to spot it.

In fact, it's just kind of funny how, like, if you put people in an environment where they're expected to be decent human beings to each other, THEY'LL ACT LIKE DECENT HUMAN BEINGS.

My favorite little budding romance? Type-A Joe (of No More Harvard Debt fame) and free-spirited April. I mean, they're just smitten with each other, and it's adorbz and neither one has to do some sort of canned speech ("I think I might maybe perhaps be totally falling for you in the almost love kind of way") because the rest of America can't know yet what the ending is. 

Anyway, if you are under 65 and haven't checked out CBS.com lately, you should. Do it!

Keep it Simple

Keep it simple.

With your wants, desires and problems.

What do you really want?

Boil it down to a simple phrase. To say, "I want get married, have a family, live happily ever after" is a little too complicated. 

It is probably more true to say, "I want to feel loved, protected, valued."

When you know what you really want, you'll find you may have alternatives you didn't see before. 

What do you really desire?

Pleasure? Intimacy? Companionship? Success?

It's probably less complicated than you'd think.

When you know what you really desire, you can be more open to possibility...or close doors on situations that are less than fulfilling.

What is really the problem?

What is the root, the heart of the issue? It's likely that it's not depression, or alcoholism, or anxiety, or panic. It's probably not completely due to an incident or experience, either (though those can be starting points, triggers, incubators).

Don't confuse symptoms with diseases. 

Pare down, simplify. What do you believe or not believe about yourself? Sometimes the problem--the REAL problem..all the fights and tears and broken relationships and pain--is something as simple as, "I do not believe I am worthy of love," or "I believe your approval is integral to my love for myself."

When you get to the root, to what's really happening, and when you name it and label it, you can fix it. Excise or change negative thinking (or people). Start to heal. 

Or finally, finally have peace. 

Linkapalooza: The Dulling of Feelings (and other Musings)

Well, *I* have had an interesting week...what about you? Do you probably need THIS to make you soooo happy?

Oh, Sin Button, you naughty, naughty thing. Image originally found here.

And now MOAR LINKZ!!

Speaking of Akin...here are a few articles that made me laugh and/or stab myself in the face. 

Your Body is Doing it Wrong

Mike Huckabee pretty much says, Rape is Totes OK because Sometimes it Creates Some Amazing People. HUZZAH!

Everyone thinks Akin is a moron...except for those who don't.

And last, but certainly not least, this musician very sweetly explains exactly the difference between, like legitimate RAPEY-rape and illegitimate not-so-rapey rape.

OK, onward!

Just a little breakdown on the benefits of contraceptive use. 

Finances and relationships. This is kind of a great article, because I’ve seen what should have been great relationships destroyed by financial stuff, and relationships that should be terrible work just fine because they simply refuse to fight about money.

Susan Sontag on marriage...”it is an institution committed to the dulling of feelings.” That was way harsh, Tai!

As always, I love Clarisse Thorn’s take on thigs. Here she writes about The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and S&M.

I agree. The Chris Brown/Rihanna thing is more true to life than we’d like to believe.

So you wanna make friends but you feel like your filter is off-kilter? Good advice here.

Seriously, just watch to the end. It's totally worth it:

This is both hilarious and awesome. But, then again, so many TED talks are.

Happy Friday! Keep it in your pants! And if you can't, at least don't post it to Facebook.

Stand Up for Your Damn Selves

Dear Internet,

This is a letter to all of you to stand up for your damn selves.

This is a letter to myself, along with all of you.

And this letter is especially intended for those of you who are accepting less than the best for yourselves...

...for those of you who are in those "friends with benefits" situations, but you want to be more than friends and the other party has said otherwise, but still continues to see you...

...for those of you in shitty relationships where he or she makes you feel bad about yourself, or doesn't support you in moving toward your goals...

...for those of you who get "maybes" instead of an absolute "Yes, I love you," or a "No, I don't."

Say what you want, impeccably. Do not mince words. You don't have to be unkind, but say it, get it out.

Think, "what's the best that could happen?" instead of "what's the worst?"

Because "the best" is always going to be whatever, in the long run, is right for you.

Don't exchange short-term fulfillment (a smile, a fuck, a date to your office Christmas party) for what you know is a long-term dead end ("better not to have one than to have one you wish you didn't").

Love hard, but refuse to deal with unrequited love. You're missing out on life, on people, on opportunities. 

You may find that it takes time and practice and work to realize you weren't demanding this respect for yourself all along. That you were accepting less than the best in exchange for your heart and soul.

You may find that your biggest obstacle is you. Your issues. So name them. Identify them. Get to the root and yank it out.

But above all, know that standing up for yourself--truly demanding the best for yourself--will be hard. 

You will likely cry, or be angry, or be hurt and confused. Your heart will yearn for the soothing salve of the short-term win.

Don't confuse the depth of your pain for the depth of your love.

Sometimes pain is pain. Sometimes things hurt more than others. Sometimes the two month relationship break-up hurts more than the two year one.

Life is weird, hearts are weird, the way we cope is weird and nuanced and often unpredictable.

Fight for what you want, but above all, fight for you.

Because no one will respect your heart if you don't. No one will protect your emotions if you don't. No one can say "yes" or "no" for you. 

You won't get answers unless you ask questions. The right questions. Don't make assumptions.

Don't take anything personally, good or bad. 

All this to say, Internet, is that you are worthy of good stuff...but you gotta believe that you are, and then you have to ask for it.

That is all.

Love,

Me 

photo credit