Ummmm, so I realized that my post yesterday was all mopey-dopey, "sad single lady dies alone in apartment, face is eaten by cats"-like, and some of you kind of very wonderfully were like, "Um, WTF?"
And then I re-read it and was grossed out, soooo, yeah. Sometimes it's good to get that shit out, if only for the chance to see yourself as you really are for a second.
In other words, I've weighed myself in the balance, and found myself wanting.
Which means it's mini-manifesto time for any of you who have felt or are feeling the same way. Let's go.
Mini-Manifesto, Fall 2012
This post is a call to an end.
An end to
...wondering if the other people have it better than we do.
...tears and questions and "what if."
...pretending to play it cool when, in fact, our insides are most definitely not cool.
...moping and hoping that today will be the day he/she realizes what a mistake he/she made.
...thinking that we are "less than" for being one way or another.
...defining ourselves by our age group, weight class, or financial situation.
...negativity and apathy.
This post is a call to beginnings.
The beginning of
...understanding that perspective is everything...you can either be cowed by your perceived success of others, or learn that the only success (or feeling of success) you control is your own.
...living our lives in the day to day nowness of it all. It's okay to have our past and future colored by what we know to be true from the sum of our experiences...but "what if" is a waste of time and energy.
...seeing ourselves for who we truly are, and embracing the bumps and bruises while also kindly guiding ourselves to healing what needs to be healed, fixing what needs to be fixed.
...realizing that he/she is not responsible for our feelings, that he/she did what felt like the right thing in that moment, that the only thing worth hoping for is his/her continued happiness, while we actively strive for our own.
(Oh, and PS--if it WAS a mistake, it's his/her mistake to make. Allow him/her the delicious agony of spending his/her life in misery wondering "what if" on their own. I KID. Sort of.)
...seeing life as a practice, as elastic, as something that we can improve, in our own time, and in our own way. Like I said here:
...defining ourselves by our experiences, rather than by the things we cannot change, like our age, or the way our foreheads are beginning to crinkle, just like our moms'.
...positivity...of trying new things, believing the best in others and ourselves, and trading cynicism for well-studied realism and proactive movement toward change.
The End
What might you add to this list of endings and beginnings?
He and I often talk about relationships. We've been friends for years, weathering my divorce, and his break-ups, consuming buckets of coffee and more than a few beers.
We are both kind of "in the dumps" about the outlook of said relationships, both of us now single with little to no indication that this state will change anytime soon.
"What I don't get," I say, "is how people can just go from one serious relationship to another. Back to back to back."
"Yeah," he says. "I don't get it either."
"It's not as if I can't understand how someone might be able to bounce back from the end of the relationship." I say. "What I really don't get is how they can continually be so lucky as to find someone who likes them back, even if it's just for a short time."
Maybe the two of us just have poorer timing than most. We are unable to synch up with others as easily.
Maybe we try less hard.
Maybe we are continually in the wrong place at the wrong time, or always pouring our energy and emotions into the wrong people. Masters of barking up the wrong trees, as it were.
Either way, I think we both believe the like and love are lucky things. And we both wonder why it seems like everyone else is more lucky than we are.
It's starting to feel like fall around here, and since I work from home, I dragged out the portable heater pretty early.
I thought that I would be the one most happy about the warmth.
I was wrong.
The dogs have been struggling with the chillier temperatures. Here is a picture of them squeezing into the lone late afternoon sun-patch:
The dog in the back, however...the one who is often forced to the edge of the dog bed, has had enough.
In fact, she now has a weird obsession with the heater and has decided to make somewhat of a religion out of sitting and staring at The Almighty Metal Heat Beast from point blank range at least 12 hours a day until her face and ears are hot to the touch. As a worshipper and devotee, she's rather inspiring:
I didn't believe that it was a full-fledged religion until she snagged her first convert:
And then TODAY, she made this to inspire all followers of the Heat Beast, which, like, makes it an official religion:
I'm considering joining the movement now myself, but they don't allow "my kind" in.
Apparently they think I should not be allowed to choose the way I heat my own damn body. Whatever.
Don't worry, though. I'm still not above mixing a classic red lip with a Cats Playing Keytar with Lighting Bolts t-shirt.
I wrote the bulk of this post at 1 a.m. the morning of my birthday because I've been juggling both an insanely hectic work schedule with a super secret side project (see #7).
1. Water is your best friend. Drink lots of it. People will comment on your skin and--after you stop peeing 17 million times a day--you will feel awesome.
2. There is no such thing as "arriving." You will never stop learning. Just when you think you ARE done, the universe will slap your ass and call you Sally. Or something.
3. Remember those mean, dramatic people from high school? They either stop being like that or they get much, much worse. Learn to spot the difference early on before your life becomes all Regina George'd like whoah.
4. Relationships of all types take work. Be prepared to work harder than you'd like sometimes. It's usually worth it. Sometimes it's not. But at least you'll learn a lot for the next one.
5. People communicate in two main ways: what they actually say, and what they actually do. Many people have the gift of doing both of these things at once. Some people do not. For the latter, believe the action, not the words, and react accordingly.
6. Events that seem traumatic now may in fact be the events that make you who you are. Don't shy away from the emotion or pain. Feel it, learn from it, experience greater joy on the flip side. (Easier said than done.)
7. If you get bored easily, take on projects for yourself, if for no other reason than you love the work and producing something magical with your brainspace.
8. Bills do not magically go away if you refuse to open them.
9. Paying off debt accumulated because of your own stupid-fuckery can make you feel humiliated, then proud. It's weird...just try to remember the humiliation part more than the pride part so you don't fucking do that again you idiot.
10. Resolving to be kind to someone who just doesn't like you much can have an astonishing affect...and probably more on you than the other person.
11. Emotions are tricky, nuanced things. They can both lie to us ("I miss him so much! I must be in love!") and shed light on the truth ("I am never happy when I'm around him. It must be time to go").
12. Seek the approval of your parents, but not at the cost of your own integrity. At the end of the day, only you can give yourself the approval you need.
13. If you stress out because of a terrible job, then eat a lot of food, stop working out, and spend hours and hours addicted to television, you will get fat.
14. Losing over 20 pounds is hard. You will not do it in a week. It'll probably take around three years to get it off and keep it off, and you'll have to start lifting heavy things to do it.
15. Your friends should like the person you're dating because a) they know you and have your best interest in mind and b) it's just SO MUCH EASIER that way.
16. Remember that you might be one of those people who only likes cats in theory, not in practice.
17. If your hair is extremely curly, do not cut it shorter than your shoulders. Ever. You are not Carrie Bradshaw, and you will look ridiculous and hate it.
18. You can politely say "no" when people ask to buy you a shot. If they buy you a shot anyway, you can still politely say no. I KNOW, RIGHT!?
19. People you know, and even many you don't, can be more generous, loving and supportive than you ever expected.
20. People you know, and even many you don't, can be the worst pieces of shit ever to walk the earth. Ever. You will want to punch them in the face. But at the end of the day, you can't obsess about it, because you will obsess forever, and there's no sense in being as miserable as they are.
22. It takes practice to stop prefacing your own desires and wants with "I'm sorry," as if they are somehow bad, wrong, or "less than"...especially if you're a woman.
23. If you're a woman, show 'em what you've got at work, keep it together, and don't give them any excuse to marginalize or sideline you...and don't you dare fucking cry until you get home.
24. Some of your greatest friends will be the ones you only see once or twice a year.
25. The things we judge the most harshly in others are often the things we would hate most about ourselves. Go easier on yourself, and you'll be able to go easier on others.
26. Coffee is good, but you probably shouldn't drink a pot a day.
27. Sex is good, but it's best when shared with someone you have both a physical and emotional connection with, and with whom you "fight" to both give and receive during Bone Town Time. HEY-O!
29. Wear a padded bra, a girdle, a slimmer, or Spanx if it makes you feel more comfortable about your body in clothes. But don't let these things be a substitute for real confidence and adoration of the shell you inhabit.
30. Stop being so afraid. Go to that movie alone. Try a new class. Eat a strange food. Say yes to a date with that person you wouldn't typically say yes to. You never know what might happen in the absence of fear.
31. Practice makes perfect. It'll make you faster, more efficient, more confident. Be disciplined enough to practice, even when you don't want to.
32. Macaroni and cheese is still good. But now that your metabolism has played a cruel joke on you, only indulge in the really, really good stuff when you really, really want it.
Happy Friday, everyone! This week I turned 33 (JESUS YEAR!) and worked until all hours of the night three days in a row. So, not too shabby. :)
Here's a picture of me 29 years ago. Don't you just want to squeeze my little cheeks? (Please don't. I'll be mortified.)
I have a post coming about all the awesome things I've learned in the last 33 years. It's mostly written so you'll all feel bad about not having learned as much (I kid, I kid!). :)
As you may know, I have the privilege of working from home. I love the freedom of setting my own hours, being able to focus without interruption, and sipping a cup of coffee from my own dining table while my dogs snooze at my feet.
You may have heard that you need to "dress for the job you want" to be a successful stay-at-home employee.
I call bullshit.
I regularly dress for work in the style of yoga homeless and STILL GET ALL MY WORK DONE.
Amazeballs.
So, I made a little video for you to show you just what yoga homeless looks like, as well as how to re-create the look for yourself.
Late summer/early fall is my favorite time of year to take a road trip. Things are cooling off, winding down, and the scenery and light is at its most splendid.
When I drive, good driving music is a must. I'm about to get all pensive and self-reflective, so I need something that is both soothing and propelling. Something to which I can either cry or smile quietly while occasionally humming a line of harmony.
Actually, I said, "You had me at cell-o." Ahem, nerd.
Mike is a Columbus-based singer-songwriter who is a true musician. He started making music in Columbus as part local acts Harbor and Sheldon Marsh, and has more recently shared the stage with Denison Witmer and Saxon Shore, as well as groups like The Receiver and Red Wanting Blue.
Loosely classified as alternative folk, Libero is tinged with nostalgia, and hits on some of those memorable relationship experiences that are perfect to ruminate over long stretches of highway. From missing the little things in a person to setting what you love free when it doesn't quite fit, Libero covers it all in a wash of effortless piano accompaniment, silky vocals, tight harmonies, and of course, undercurrents of cello and mandolin.
All in all, the perfect companion to your introspection, bursts of fall foliage and the open road. And your latte. Don't forget your latte.
THANK YOU so much for taking my survey. Your responses were extremely helpful and will be instrumental in finishing up How to be Dumped.
First, though, WE HAVE A WINNER (via random.org)! Congratulations to AMANDA! You win a $25 Amazon gift card plus a copy of the book when she's all finished. **Happy dance!!**
Onward to the results.
(PS--when you put an "other" box on a form, you should expect people to, you know, use it. Hilarity ensues. I've published a few of the good ones below.)
(PPS--All survey results were anonymous, so I have no idea who filled out "other" boxes and will not/cannot reveal your identity.)
1. What is your general sentiment toward the title "How to be Dumped?"
Most of you (85%) feel favorably about the "How to be Dumped" main title, with 10% of you in the "Meh" or "Huh?" category, and some of you landing into "Other."
Some notable Other responses:
"I'm not a fan, as it implies how to sabotage a relationship when what you are going for is how to deal with being dumped."
Fair point. Noted.
"I would be embarrassed for it to be seen on my shelves! I like the twist on "how to" and it's witty, but it makes me sad."
Friend! Don't be sad! But this is what eReaders are for. 50 Shades of Gray sells like hotcakes mostly because women can read it in public--or in bed with their husbands--without ever being discovered. The Kindle is basically our new secret porn folder cleverly titled "vacation" or "spreadsheets" and hidden deep within the chain of documents on your hard drive. YES, WE KNOW YOU DO THAT, DUDES.
Either way, these are great suggestions to consider overall.
2. If you were to choose a tagline for "How to be Dumped" you'd pick:
These responses were especially helpful for me since my tagline MUST have some iteration of "break-up" or "ex" (or both) in it for search purposes. You all overwhelmingly chose "How to be Dumped: Simple Steps to Put Down the Ice Cream, Start Showering Again, and Ditch the Breakup Sweatpants" by 44% with the other titles evenly grabbing 13-14% of the vote.
Of course, you "Other" folks had some great ideas:
"Undoing the damage and prioritizing yourself"
I like this a lot, actually, since it's a key point that I needed to learn, for sure. Unfortunately, a little less right for SEO purposes. DAMN YOU, GOOGLE!
"the Complete Guide to Getting Over Your Ex and Falling In Love with Yourself"
This would actually work great for SEO. Not too shabby.
"How to be Dumped: It's Better Than a Lifetime with a Jag That Never Really Loved You (But Wanted to Bang Your Sister)"
GAWD, THIS ONE! I died, DIED. Alas...not sure if people are actually searching for these kind of keywords when sobbing over their laptops. Well, maybe they do.
"The best tagline is from a previous entry that in itself helped me get through a wretched dumping: "How to be Dumped: One Woman's Journey through a Break Up, feat. the F-bomb, Whiskey, Questionable Decisions, and One Neck-Licking Romanian.""
I, too, am partial to this tagline, but already had a male reader who was like, "I probably wouldn't read a book that had "One Woman's Journey" in the title." Fair enough. Let's not push it.
3. What images come to mind when you think of a breakup?
This question was written mainly to help guide my cover design. Most of you seem to think in terms of "Sweatpants, tears and overall sadness" when you think of breakups. So thanks!! I've already let my designer know, and I'm pretty sure she will come up with something awesome and eye catching and relatable.
Notable "other" responses:
"been too long for me to remember"
No one likes a braggart.
"wine & lots of it"
Yes! Agreed!
"Slouching"
Hahahahaha, awesome.
4. If you've purchased a book on dating, relationships or breakups before, what did you pay?
This question was more for me to make sure I give a fair deal to TNR readers first, while also hitting a "sweet spot" on Amazon in my genre. All that to say, I'll definitely keep 'er $9.99 or less (le duhz).
5. Do you purchase ebooks regularly?
Damn, you people are TOUCHY about your physical books! :) It does appear that many of you do purchase ebooks or have at least downloaded a .pdf from a website before. I'll admit, I'm tempted to figure out a way to self-publish a phsyical tome here, but really cannot see how the cost makes sense for me at this point.
So what I'll likely do is publish the main book to Amazon (and whether you have a Kindle or not, most devices--including the iPad, other tablets, and Apple and Android phones--support the Kindle app), but give some of you purists another option for consumption. Cool?
Anyway...THANK YOU. This survey has been most helpful and has me PUMMMPPED for what's next.
I had the opportunity(?) to see Rick Springfield in concert recently.
And lo, it was a shitshow and is burned upon my brain space. Forevsies.
The singer of Jessie's Girl is 63 and is, for all intents and purposes, a wiry old man who can still sing to the back balcony and--honestly--sounds great if you're a super fan of that dirty 80's sexpot rock sound (and I am).
(Also, bonus points for best rock song rhyme of "cute" and "moot.")
But the dude is still somewhat of a wreck. He very recently got a DUI (which he joked about, because DUI's are HILARIOUS), and made the crowd sing happy birthday..to himself. This also happened:
OMG, I was thisclose to Rick Springfield...when he drank some stranger's beer. #cmworld
However, even with all the shenanigans, he was obviously born to perform and the crowd was thoroughly entertained through his entire set. And as I was walking along the other day, in a state of near bliss from the early fall weather, I realized:
Say what you will about the man's genre of music, but after 40 odd years in the industry, each song was executed and played well. His voice sounded great, and he blended nicely with the band. In fact, besides the amount of sweating anyone would do with a leather jacket on underneath stage lights, the entire set seemed effortless.
You can probably bet that Springfield didn't stop practicing music after Jessie's Girl became a huge hit, and he didn't stop practicing when nobody remembered him for anything else.
All that to say, when it comes to dating and relationships, practice what it means to be a good date or partner. Work on your conversation skills. Read interesting books. Continue to develop your sense of self, whether single or in a relationship.
It also never hurts to "try, try again" regardless of success or failure. This point is kind of particularly apropos to anyone who has recently gotten le dumped (as the French say). You know, because you may find yourself, like me, waffling between "I'm so glad I'm back out there!" and "DEAR GOD I HATE THIS SO MUCH I'M GOING TO BECOME A NUN."
2. Sexy is a Mindset (but it's also an action)
PS-Rick Springfield and I are wearing the same shoes, which means one of us is awesome by proxy. #cmworld
Whether it's for vanity or health reasons, or simply a product of years in a business that favors the beautiful, Rick Springfield was in fantastic shape for a man my father's age. In fact, several of my co-workers gave a loud "BULLSHIT!" when they heard Springfield is 63. But an hour after he started the show, he was still running around like a crazy person, and I gotta say, for someone who calls herself an "arm girl"...not too shabby!
And sure, Springfield obviously works out, but he also believes he is still as beautiful as he was 40 years ago. It's a two-fold thing: body and mind.
Everyone has an opinion on fitness and weight and health and whatnot and how it relates to dating and sex and overall sexiness. Some people even get real ranty about it and some have a definite idea of should's and shouldn'ts and blah, blah, blah.
Here's my opinion: move around and do good stuff for your body because you want to, it feels good and contributes to your overall health. You don't have to run a marathon or get huge arms or be able to do 100 pushups. Just move. Because you want to. Because...
...sexy comes from a mindset, sure, but it also is based on how you achieve that mindset. So if your thing is that you feel great after two hours in the gym, or simply after a leisurely walk with your lady/dude/self, cool! Just don't think that "sexy" is exclusively achieved only by one or the other. At least, for me it's not. It's cyclical.
Anytime Springfield felt like he might be losing some of the crowd's attention, he'd play the first three chords of Jessie's Girl. If he saw a group of women exiting en masse for the bathroom, he'd yell, "You're gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna play it! You're gonna miss it!" And of course, he saved the song for the end and it was by far, the highlight of the show.
There's not too much I like more in dating than fostering the sense of play. I like some witty banter and a little teasing and hints of deliciously debaucherous things to come all mixed in with good conversation. You could call it being a tease (though sometimes this term has a negative connotation) or you could call it flirting, or you could simply call it building (sexual) tension.
Either way, our dates and relationships should be FUN. Or at least have a balance of fun and seriousness. I mean, no need to like, set a cat on fire or whatever (not that that is fun! What is wrong with you people!?), but try not to take things too terribly seriously all the time.
Shake it up. Flirt a little. Play a few chords and move on to the next topic.
There you have it. My little take on what you can learn from a fixture on the American musical landscape. Boom!
Oh! I'd be remiss if I didn't leave you with this:
Copyright 2013, The Naked Redhead. All Rights Reserved. In other words, I'm happy to part with my shit, just ask me first, m'kay? Oh yeah, also? All photos are linked back to original source either by embeddeding the link in the photo itself, or listing as "Photo Credit" at the end of the post.
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Ummmm, so I realized that my post yesterday was all mopey-dopey, "sad single lady dies alone in apartment, face is eaten by cats"-like, and some of you kind of very wonderfully were like, "Um, WTF?"
