Bachelorette: Real Time Finale Comments!!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 8:00AM8:00 pm--OH THE SUSPENSE!!! Who will she choose!?!?! What will she say?? Something inane, riddled with circular logic and peppered a thousand times with the words "my heart"? Survey says...
8:04--Yes.
8:08--Jillian sees Ed, runs toward him for a hug and he LUNGES for a very awkward kiss that she sort of misses, then has to twist her whole face to catch.
8:10--Haha, Jillian's Grandma is still horny: "He's awfully good looking, isn't he?"
8:13--Hugely awkward family...hula? (Seriously, who does that?)
8:17--Jillian realizes, apparently for the first time, she's dating two men. WEIRD. Now she is engaging in disgusting making out with Captain Ears on a very conveniently placed bench right in the middle of a grassy lawn. GET A ROOM.
8:18--Jillian squals and hugs her family like she didn't just see them...two hours ago.
8:21--Kyptyn sweats a lot while moms asks him questions, and oh my...I think he just winked at her.
8:23--Let's take a minute to watch how skillfully Kyptyn avoids the question, "Are you in love with Jillian?" And somehow this question catches him off guard. Um, you're on a show ABOUT LOVE.
8:24--The Boyfriend chimes in with, "She doesn't love him, she only wants to fuck his brains out," while Jillian and Kyptyn grossly make-out yet again.
8:29--Jillian's much hotter sister coins the term, "orientated". Brilliant. Then Jillian's dad says that he thinks that Ed is "deeper"...ew.
8:37--EW...Ed just said "Seal the deal." The Boyfriend has serious issues with Ed's "chest pubes". I have serious issues with Ed's real pubes, which I'm certain show when he wears his green booty shorts.
8:41--Ed, no girl EVER wants to be compared to "one of your best guy friends." LAME.
8:42--AUGH!! GREEN BOOTY SHORTS!
8:44--AUGH!! ED KISSES WITH HIS EYES OPEN! Also, cliche "volcano erupting=giant orgasm" cut away. Barf.
8:49--Bored. Bring Reid back already! Oh yes, and Jillian uses the word "heart" for the 7,485th time this episode.
8:50--While watching Jillian and Kyptyn on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean, The Boyfriend comments, "She's surfing on his boner."
8:53--Kyptyn delivers the most rushed, weird and squeaky, "Cuz I'm in love with you." He may as well be saying, "Cuz I really like salt!" And what's up with him saying that Jillian has to move to HIS hometown?
8:54--I've decided I don't need to see the INSIDE of someone's mouth as they move to make-out with someone else. Ew.
9:01--Jillian journals her feelings in a nicely staged hotel room. "Dear Diary, I'm horny." Doesn't look like you've written in that journal much, Jill.
9:02--Does anyone else mind gratuitous shots of Kyptyn running all muscled and tan down the beach? ME EITHER. But at least Ed wore his tablecloth to pick out the ring.
9:03--EWWWWWwww, Ed picked out a PEAR SHAPED diamond for Jillian. Maybe he wanted to remind her of his body?
9:07--"I have so much love to give," Jillian says, not for the first time. *rolls eyes*
9:12--The limo is pulling up...it's, it's...KYPTYN! Hm, it's only 9:12...bye, bye Kyptyn.
9:14--Blah, blah, blah, journey, blah, blah, blah, love...oh sad, Kyptyn gets dumped. Maybe you should take your shirt off just one more time. You know, for old times' sake.
9:17--Kyptyn's limo ride is unexpectedly touching and sweet. Aw, poor guy.
9:25--Uh-oh, big red taxi. It's, it's...REID! Gasp. Wait, what shoes is he wearing? Are those 80's deck shoes? Is he Don Johnson??
9:27--So much hugging.
9:29--Jillian, please don't say "undescribable". Ha! Thank you, Reid, for slipping in the correct pronunciation. You're an anal bastard after my own heart.
9:31--I'm pretty sure if I were proposed to with the words, "I COULD spend the rest of my life with you," I'd be pissed. I mean, you COULD? What, if you were forced to? If the temperature stayed above 72? Lame.
9:39--The Boyfriend has revealed that he might have had a small man crush on Kyptyn, and is upset that he's gone. We all are, Boyfriend, we all are.
9:41--Baarrrff. Her "heart is with Ed." Le sigh.
9:45--Oh, Jillian, you're not super pretty when you cry. Wow, and you probably shouldn't have given Reid the old verbal kick in the balls when you said, "I know you don't want to hear this, but thank you for doing this." Awse.
9:48--Hahahahaha! "Ed better not fucking disappoint me." THAT'S the Jillian I wanted to see all season!!
9:56--Can't. Watch. Anymore. I just hope Ed can get it up more than once. Otherwise, I'm sure it'll turn into it's own "very special ABC episode" about Erectile Dysfunction.
9:58--Hahaha! I don't think she likes that ass-ugly ring!
10:00--Well, as much as I think Ed is lame-but-cute, he does seem to really genuinely love her.
OH GOD, I'M SO GLAD IT'S OVER.
What are your final thoughts?
Read all about this and other seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette in the archives!
Reader Comments (1)
Love your real time comments, that's great. It took me until now to watch it. I don't know, I thought I would have more reaction, but in the end...I just don't care. :D
Shall we take bets on how many weeks until we hear about their 'split'?