The Partner in Your Head
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The April issue of Psychology Today features the cover story, "You're Driving Me Crazy: 10 Relationship Headaches and How to Fix Them."
I only bought it because my boyfriend needed to learn him some lessons. A-hem. Right.
Anyway, the article is solid gold for any of you out there who find your partner annoying every now and again (anyone? Anyone?). Gone are the early relationship stages of picking up underwear and holding farts for days at a time, you are now in that phase of the relationship where if your partner isn't giving you a German Steam Bath on a regular basis, he or she is at least leaving dirty dishes in the sink, or wet towels slung over the tops of doorways, or laughing shrilly in ways you never, ever imagined.
Family therapist John Van Epp says, "You don't really live with the partner in your home. You live with the partner in your head." I remember so many times during my marriage where I was SURE that my ex's lack of general tidiness meant that he was trying to just piss me off. As I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that, as the article says, "Sometimes a sock on the floor is just a sock on the floor."
A SOCK THAT IS GIVING ME A DIRTY LOOK AND CALLING ME ANAL RETENTIVE.
Whatever. Moving on.
So, I read this article and began thinking of the things that I find annoying in my boyfriend (none, baby, none. Go have yourself some chocolate and don't read the rest of this post). One thing we've been working through is his summer schedule, and how he often forgets to check in when he's gone for the day. I don't need to know what he's doing at all times, but he'll often tell me that he'll be gone for an hour or two to play volleyball, when lo and behold, it's eight o'clock and he's still not home.
So, last night, after a week of much better ETA communication, this scenario happens again. He texts at 6:30 to say, "I'll be home in a few minutes" (progress!) and wow, look at the time, it's way past eight, no texts, no phone calls, he's just not home.
In my head, I'm thinking of the article, that the partner in my head is just an idealized version of who my boyfriend really is, and I'm trying to be patient, and understand that he just loves his sport, and time flies, and OH GOD, I AM SO HUNGRY, PLEASE HURRY THE EFF HOME. He FINALLY calls at 8:30, and I answer with a less than pleasant, "WHAT."
To which he responds, "Please don't be mad, I've been in the back of a police cruiser for the last half hour."
Um, the partner in my head is not a criminal...WTF?
Turns out, he was pulled over because he was leaving the outdoor courts, which also happen to be located at a bar. The cops assumed he'd been drinking, pulled him over, ran his tags, and oops! He had a warrant for his arrest from an unpaid parking ticket. So, into the back of the car he went until they could figure out what to do with this quiet guy with no priors.
Finally, they let him go, and guess what else? While he was in the car, his parents tried to call about eight times to let him know his grandma had died.
All that to say,
"Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they're getting, not on what they're giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner's behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it."
So, be patient with your partner today. Are you annoyed simply because of what you're not getting out of the relationship? What can you give instead?
Reader Comments (4)
Little story for you. We have cats. With cats come litter boxes that need to be cleaned and litter that inevitably gets tracked all over the floor. The husband hates that fact; hates the feeling of litter under his feet. I do too.
So, in general, Josh takes care of the litter boxes (also the cats' food and water).I try to scoop them once in the mornings, but he takes care of them on the whole. Both litter boxes are in our second bathroom (in the tub, to help contain the track-able litter). We keep a separate broom in the bathroom closet for use only on the bathroom floor.
Josh just will. not. use. the. broom. Will not. Last week, when I hurt my back, I couldn't, simply could not scoop the litter boxes. I did, however, sweep the litter that was on the bathroom floor into a little pile to be swept up when Josh scooped the litter boxes. That pile sat there for DAYS. Even after I swept it up and let the dust pan on the counter so he could empty it into a plastic bag the next time he did the boxes, it still sat there, untouched.
Finally, two things happened. 1. My back got better. I could bend and scoop litter boxes with the best of them again, so I was able to sweep the floor and get rid of the stray litter on my own. 2. I decided to just approach this chore with joy in my heart. I KNOW. It sounds horribly gross to say it that way, but it's true. I view sweeping the floor as a little gift that I can give Josh. He hates litter tracked all over the floor, but it just doesn't register to sweep it up, so I do it. I do it (now) without complaint and with a smile on my face because I know I'm doing something nice for my partner, who works very hard for us.
I said it was a little story. Sorry for the big fat lie. Also, was this relevant at all? Just wondering.
Totally relevant! And I like your story, the not-shortness of it and all. :)
Oh I'm sorry about his Grandma... that's sad. I gave up checking like that on my BF, I had to... he plays every sport he can too and "forgets" about the time. I know he really does so he ends up making excuses and I end up being mad, so I just gave it up. For the most part I know he's not "in a car accident" (thats what I always use to say) and if he's with the police, LOL I guess he'll get one phone call!
So I told him by 7 ish I'm going to go eat and I'll call a friend and go. He doesn't have to make excuses, I'm not mad and after 8 years, its working. He puts me first most of the time so I'm good with his occasional "forgetting" about time.
xxoo
That is a fantastic idea! I think that's what makes me the maddest, is that I wait around when I could be doing something else. I am totally doing that next time, "If you're not back by 7 (or you are dead) I'm going to do something else." Thanks, Susan! Yay for smart women...I'm pretty sure our men don't deserve us. :D