In the Raw
There is a four hundred pound woman living inside of me who is desperately trying to get out.
I loves me some food. I wouldn’t ever truly call myself a “foodie” as I’m too poor to buy ingredients that cost more than 68 cents per box. However, my inner fat woman is pretty adept at knowing what good food is…so in that light, I’d like to bring you all a taste of the best (and sometimes the worst) of Columbus.
A
Applebee’s
555 Anywhere-There’s-a-Wal-mart-Close-By Road
www.applebees.com
Want to eat bland food, have bad service and stare at walls that are completely covered in stupid shit? Go here!
Price Range: Reasonable
To Try: A restaurant with a little personality
B
B. Hamptons
335 W. 3rd Ave
CLOSED. BOOOOOO. Stupid Spice Bar.
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Betty’s (coming soon)
Someone recently asked me which Columbus restaurant was my favorite, and I answered without hesitation, “Betty’s”. This tiny bar/restaurant is charming with its “pin-up” theme, small staff, and tasty menu. Plus, the beer selection is extensive (not to mention superb). Betty’s is comfort food at its best with creamy pasta dishes, quirky sandwiches, and sizzling entrees.
Please don’t ask me to make a decision on my favorite dish. It usually vacillates between the Mac and Cheese or the Spicy Cajun pasta. Both meals offer rich, cheesy goodness, with just enough veggies to make you feel as if you’re eating “healthy”. Also good is their Frank’s Chicken, which will knock you on your ass with an almost-too-spicy kick. After one bite, though, you’ll keep eating, even if your nose and mascara is running.
If you decide to go on a weekend, be prepared to wait at least forty-five minutes for a table (if not longer). Remember, this bar is TINY, with about nine tables that fit four each. Bar space is limited, too. But, once you sit down and pair and Elliot Ness with a Veggie Wrap, you’ll realize it was worth the wait.
Price Range: Medium (usually $12 and up for entrees)
To Try: Spring Rolls
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Bodega (coming soon)
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Bristol Bar
132 E Fifth Ave
www.bristolbar.com
The location at Summit and 5th is odd, to say the least, and the message from God plastered to the outside of the unassuming brick building (”What part of ‘thou shalt not’ don’t you understand?”) can be a bit offputting, but if you want to experience the best martinis in Columbus, this is the place to be.
The interior is reminiscent of a small Chicago or New York bar, and can get a little tight if business is actually booming (and it’s usually not), and parking can be a problem if you don’t want to valet (recommended). The bar area is probably the smallest of the three cramped areas, but offers a sumptuous variety of liquor to make you forget you’re on a date with the most obnoxious man you’ve ever met who won’t tell you where he works because he likes to “keep that separate from his real life and I don’t even tell my dad where I work mostly because I’m awesome” and he awkwardly grabs you in the really cool outdoor area and gives you what can only be described as a the most disgusting kiss you’ve ever experienced in your life (was he giving you CPR with tongue?), then doesn’t offer to pay for any of your drinks, though you would have said no, and the whole time he not only talks about how amazing he is but also quizzes you on things he wrote you in e-mails because it’s so important to learn all about his pathetically “High Fidelity” reminiscent life.
A-hem.
The prices for martinis start at $8, but with varities ranging from a “Milky Way” to the “Bristol Black” it’s definitely something worth experiencing. The crowd is usually varied, with beatniks, lawyers avoiding their wives, and college students all sharing the same space. Due to the prices, Bristol may not end up being a regular haunt, but would be great for a late date or even a casual business meeting.
Price Range: Pricey
To Try: Lavender Martini
C
Cap City Diner
1299 Olentangy River Road
www.capcityfinediner.com
Cap City has long been one of my favorite restaurants in Columbus for several reasons. One, the food is “comfort food” at its very best. Two, the service is excellent, with servers who often go above and beyond the call of duty to make sure you enjoy your Cameron Mitchell experience. Three, I have never been on a horrible date here. (Well, one time, it wasn’t a date date, and it was slightly awkward because I just couldn’t get it through my thick little skull that this guy just wasn’t that into me, but at least he didn’t make me list his five favorite animals AGAIN–”Bear? No? Kodiak Grizzly? That’s it?? Oh. Great.”– just to be sure I had been paying attention.)
The decor is reminiscent of a quirky diner gone wrong, but it somehow works, and the food is true to the “diner” name only in that it is “diner food” (like meatloaf), but not like any diner food you’ve ever had. Imagine ordering meatloaf and being presented with a towering pile of meat, cheddar chipotle mashed potatoes and onion straws, or odering the Blue Plate special and devouring a plate of pan-seared tuna. Their Sunday brunch is equally good, and features a bowl of oatmeal, but not like your mama used to make.
Cap City isn’t “gourmet”, but if you’ve had a bad day, or just broke up with someone, or your dog died, there’s nothing like a Triple Decker Grilled Cheese paired with a bowl of Roasted Creole Tomato Soup to comfort your blues away. Or, if you’re not feeling fat enough already, a heaping plate of their Maytag Bleu Cheese Potato Chips. With gobs of creamy Alfredo sauce and tart cheese, they are worth the ensuing heart attack.
Price Range: Reasonable. It is possible to get lunch for under ten dollars, and dinner can run anywhere from $15-30.
To Try: Tamarind Hot Wings.
D
E
Easy Street Cafe
197 Thurman Ave
614 444 3279
Food here…not so good, with the exception of their hot wings, which has a hint of the Greek roots the bar is based on (seriously, these wings are moan-out-loud good). Other than that, though, it’s a cute hang-out for a beer or two, just don’t go hungry.
Price Range: Reasonable ($8-$10).
To Try: Hot Wings and a Guinness
F
G
German Village Coffee Shop
193 Thurman Ave
614 433 8900
This tiny greasy spoon is hands down THE best breakfast in Columbus. On Saturday and Sunday mornings the line is literally out the door. This really sucks in the winter.
However, the food is cheap, cheap, cheap and good, good, good in a horribly greasy sort of way. Also, the pancakes are easily bigger than your head.
The only potential problems I have encountered here is that the staff often, well, hates one another. This could be that they spend forty hours or so a week in a place the size of a large walk-in closet (said space also contains a ridiculously hot grill), or it could be that they haven’t learned the fine nuances of “leaving their problems at the door.”
This is all usually made okay by the fact that the best hash browns you’ve ever eaten are slowly taking the edge of your raging headache.
Price Range: CHEAP
To Try: Hashbrowns with cheese and onions
H
Hound Dogs (coming soon)
I
J
K
L
M
Mama Mimi’s Pizza (coming soon)
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MoJoe Lounge
N
O
P
Q
Q Bar
205 N. Fifth St
www.q-nation.com
WAS COOL, BUT NOW IT’S NOT.
Seriously, no one goes here anymore. Plus, the music is too loud on the dancefloor, and there’s always this really skinny emo-gay that dances like he’s on fire (like, literally) on one of the speakers. Oh, and one time this fag hag who was, um, “sporting a few pounds” decided it would be appropriate to show the entire world the black thong hanging out of the back of her pants that disappeared into her fat rolls.
The only time you may want to try this bar is on Pride Weekend, but even then it’s iffy, and you won’t get to see hot boys making out because they’ll all be old and not hot.
Price Range: There’s usually a cover, but it and the drinks are reasonable.
To Try: Espresso Martini.
R
S
Spice Bar
491 N. Park Street
www.spicebar.net
FOR DOUCHEBAGS. It has all the amenities that douchebags enjoy, such as three separate themed bar areas that are pretentious (and beautiful), a separate dance floor with a VIP room so people can feel like they’re way cooler than they actually are, and lots and lots of gorgeous girls in tiny dresses, all of whom may or may not have herpes.
Oh yes, and Spice Bar is also now not new enough that the riff raff don’t come in. That’s right, the middle aged women in girdles (or sometimes, not in girdles) and the slightly pudgy ex-high school football stars in too tight sweaters have discovered this hip joint. This is especially pleasant, because these types don’t handle their liquor well, so they either get embarrassingly flirty with their little gay friend they’ve dragged to “this awesome straight bar I know” and proceed to grind on a poor man who equates touching a vagina to bludgeoning a puppy, or try to start fights with anything that moves, respectively.
The food’s good, though, if you like paying for unoriginal quirky food on square white plates.
The only thing redeeming about this place (besides being able to narrow down where it was you met that guy who gave you syph) is that their Ladies Night on Thursdays is truly worth the visit. Ladies get in free and all martinis are just a dollar, and no watered down drinks here, folks. They are actually quite delicious, and that’s about all you’ll remember in Friday’s 9 a.m. budget meeting when you wonder where that burning sensation around your crotch came from.
Dress Code: upscale casual. (Don’t try to show up in ratty jeans or shoes. The overweight guy at the door will make you leave).
Price Range: Reasonable.
To Try: Valtrex
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Sugar
525 N. Park Street
www.sugar-bar.net
If Spice is for douchebags, then Sugar is for douchebags who are really young and SO much cooler than you. It’s not even worth your time, unless you actually enjoy paying a cover to see “Real World” wannabe’s give each other crabs.
Price Range: Reasonable
To Try: A condom
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Surly Girl Saloon
1126 North High Street
Don’t let the name fool you; the Surly Girl is a far cry from a dive bar. Featuring a menu billed as “comfort food with love”, twenty-four beers on tap and an ever changing cocktail menu, the Surly Girl is the perfect hangout for weeknight or weekend…and chances are, you’ll leave disease free.
The sister restaurant to kitschy Short North favorite, Surly has my favorite Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup combo in the city, and also features specialty pizzas…all in the $8-$12 range.
The bar also hosts a “Punk Rock Aerobics Night” as well as a few open mic comedy nights. The decor is truly fun, and the staff strives to be quick and accomodate the needs of a crowd that is routinely two to three deep at the bar on weekends.
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
Z Cucina (Grandview)
coming soon